Musings of a Christian Teen

Despair

2012-01-22T23:52:00.001-08:00

Why is it when you feel like crap or you're sad, you do the one thing that is going to make you hate yourself even more?

And what happens when you reach a point where you DO hate yourself and you don't want to go down the road again...but you've given up hope that you will ever be free of these chains about you?

How do you escape? How do you forgive yourself?

I know Jesus is the answer. I just wish I understood how to apply Him or His strength or mercy or salvation or whatever it is that is supposed to help to the situation.

Or is it that I am not supposed to do anything and just let Him take over? And if this is so, how do I simply surrender without picking up the burden again?

I wish I had the answers. I wish I didn't hate myself.

And no, I didn't write this to get sympathy or attention. I wrote it because I need to face what I am becoming. It's about time I did.

Please pray for me.

Do You Ever...

2012-01-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel such happiness you don't know how to express it.....but at the same time you're incredibly sad?

Do you ever feel greatly needed.....but invisible as well?

Do ever feel like you are were you are meant to be.....but like you need to be somewhere else, too?

Do you ever feel like a giant knot, unable to untie yourself, not knowing where to start? You probably have felt this way at one point or another. Maybe you, whoever you are, feel this way right now. Well, you aren't alone. I feel this way, too.

I think as Christians, we are pretty much destined to feel this way at some time or another. Why? Well, I think it reminds us that this isn't where we belong. This world....it's not our home and we are never going to feel content in it. Or at least we shouldn't. I think these confusing fluctuation of feelings is one of God's ways of drawing us closer to Him. It is a way to yank us out of our safe little bubbles and make us face reality.

No one likes to face reality. I certainly don't. Reality is painful. Reality is ugly. Reality demands that you change or conform and as Christians, we are called to resist and change. Change hurts. Change takes work. I think we all could use some change.

Believe me, I don't want to tackle the effort change takes whether it be spiritual change, mental change or physical change. It's work and it's hard. You're going to stumble so many times you might as well give up on being clean. You're going to curse yourself and you're going to wonder what the point in all this is, whether it is worth it.

I ask myself these questions every single day. Every day. Often many times a day and most often I look at my progress, or lack thereof, and feel despair. I can't say that I have ever truly gotten past a lot of my personal demons. I can't say that I find change easy or that I am a good Christian who pushes forward and blesses the Lord as she does so. I can't claim any of that.

But I wish I could. I think it is that desire, the desire to be the person we'd LIKE to be, the person we want others to see, that keeps us going a lot of the times, that makes us want to change. I also think it is only along the way that we change our mindset to just wanting to be what God wants us to be regardless of what everyone else sees. I don't know if this is the right motivational factor to be changing for, but...I know a lot of people do it.

Once again, I don't know the purpose of this post. I think I just needed to mind-dump at the moment. Lucky you! LOL

Seriously, I don't know what my point was. Sorry for rambling.

Hard

2011-09-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

It's hard to trust God sometimes. It's easy to trust God sometimes. It's never easy to tell when you will trust God and when you will struggle to, though.

In the last few months, I have both doubted God and trusted Him explicitly. That doesn't surprise me. What does is the circumstances that prompted these responses.

A person would think that I would be able to trust God with my relationships, but I will be truthful and say I struggle immensely with that. I struggle with letting go of my own fears and doubts, my faults and desires and just letting Christ work out HIS will in my life. I want to control things. I want them to make sense. I want to know when something is going to happen.

I hate being patient. I hate feeling useless or like I am not moving forward. And yet, at the same time I am scared of change. Funny combination, huh?

I am finding that I can't keep doing this, though. I need to let go. I need to trust that my Creator knows the better paths for my life than I do. It's something I struggle with daily and I personally have to wonder why that is when I have so many other more important things to worry about.

One would think that a person would struggle to trust the Lord when crap hits the fan, when they are surrounded by darkness and cannot see. One would think a person would question God at that time, question His faithfulness and love.

I know people who have done this and I know people who have not. It amazes me that I am one of those who has not lost faith, who has not doubted that God's plan is perfect when it comes to a crisis and that He DOES love me and those close to me when everything seems to be going wrong. That He cares and has everything under control when there seems to be no clear plan and life feels like it is spinning out of control.

My brother is dying. Every day he slips a little bit further away. Every day I see him going a little further downhill. I see him lose another skill monthly. I see him struggle to breathe. I see his heart-rate go down alarmingly and then higher than it should. I have seen him go into Accute Respiratory Failure. I have seen him stop breathing. I have heard him crying in pain we could not get under control and vomiting his guts out for hours and hours on end. I have seen all these horrors affect a five year old...and yet I still do not doubt the Lord My God.

I don't know why. Logically I know I should be raving at God. I should be questioning His very existence or at least questioning His mercy and love, His plan, especially since I hate not being in control. But I don't. In my spirit, in my heart and even my mind, I know Christ is with me and my family. I know He is moving in our lives. I know He cares. I know He doesn't want my brother to suffer anymore than we do. I know His heart breaks for each trial, each pain and tear we shed. And I know that He has a plan even if I don't understand it in any way, shape or form.

I know that I know that I know God is in my life. I can't say I always feel Him, but somehow He shows me in small ways and big that He's still here, still with me, still grieving as I grieve and still working His will despite my lack of understanding and sometimes acceptance.

I can't understand why I haven't given up on God yet. I never thought I had this kind of faith, this kind of strength..and maybe *I* don't. Maybe it is the grace of God giving me these things, calming my heart even as it breaks.

Grief

2011-07-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post is depressing...and yet, also hopeful in a way. I am very sad today and these poems reflect that sadness - and some anger that I feel (even if my baby brother is not yet dead and even if some of these poems are not meant to be a from a sister to a brother).

In Memoriam

With you a part of me hath passed away;
For in the peopled forest of my mind
A tree made leafless by this wintry wind
Shall never don again its green array.
Chapel and fireside, country road and bay,
Have something of their friendliness resigned;
Another, if I would, I could not find,
And I am grown much older in a day.
But yet I treasure in my memory
Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease,
And the dear honour of your amity;
For these once mine, my life is rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be,--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me.

~ George Santayana

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Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)

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A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.

------------------------------------------------------

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think Before You Speak

Dear Friend, today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.

You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?

You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my baby,
Who's life was much too brief.

I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.

Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
but one I'm forced to take.

No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.

written by Gwen Flowers
for her angels Hannah, Skylar, and Jordan.

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If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
~~~~Unknown~~~~

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The broken cord

We little knew that morning that God
Was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us, one by one,
The Chain will link again.

Author unknown

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The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

²To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

⁴And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.

⁵And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.

⁶But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.

⁷For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.

⁸For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.

⁹And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.

¹⁰I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.

¹¹For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

Ever Wonder?

2011-07-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it's like to die?

Weird question, I know, but I can't help but think of it every now and again. I wonder what it will be like. Will we not know what is happening to us or will we go straight to Heaven? Will we simply sleep for a but a 'moment' and then wake or be able to see what is going on with the earth? I don't know the answers, but it sure makes me curious.

To be honest, I hope I either die very soon or Christ comes back. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT suicidal, but it sure would be nice to not have to deal with the crap of this world anymore, know what I mean?

Really, though, what is your view on death?

Me, I'm not afraid of it for starters. I mean, I don't like the thought of dying painfully (who does?), but I am not afraid of death itself. I would like to die as pain-free as possible, thank you very much, but dying....it would certainly be a relief in a LOT of ways. I would get to be with Jesus. I wouldn't have to worry about sins or grief.

Especially grief. I am looking forward to never having to feel fear or grief again.

You might wanna know where I am going with this post or perhaps wanting to know of some great insight I have discovered about this topic...well, you are going to be sorely disappointed. I don't really have a point or even wisdom to impart. I have just been thinking about death lately.

Why does the thought of my brothers, my sisters, my mother or my father dying fill me with such fear and sadness, but the thought of my own death I almost welcome? I know one wants to leave their loved ones behind to suffer, but is one supposed to be fine with their own end and maybe even looking forward to it?

*shrugs* I don't know. Maybe I am just being weird. That wouldn't be *too* shocking. *grins*

Anyway, pay no attention to little ol' me. I am being random, have no point to make and I don't see how this post is going to help anyone...but, oh well! I needed to write it anyway if only to get the thought out on paper....I suppose that habit comes with being a writer...

Novaer!

Psalms

2011-06-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

~ Psalm 25 ~ To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.

Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
For Your name’s sake, O LORD,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.

Who is the man that fears the LORD?
Him shall He teach in the way He chooses.
He himself shall dwell in prosperity,
And his descendants shall inherit the earth.
The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him,
And He will show them His covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the LORD,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain,
And forgive all my sins.
Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.

Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all their troubles!

~ Psalm 31 ~

In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily:
be thou my strong rock, for a house of defense to save me.

For thou art my rock and my fortress;
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.

I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.

Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength fails because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.

I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbors, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me. I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me. Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies' sake. Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave. Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvelous kindness in a strong city. For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heard the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserves the faithful, and plentifully rewards the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

~ Psalm 39 ~

I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me. I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred. My heart was hot within me, while I was musing the fire burned: then spake I with my tongue, LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is: that I may know how frail I am.

Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before thee: verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity. Selah. Surely every man walketh in a vain shew: surely they are disquieted in vain: he heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them.

And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions: make me not the reproach of the foolish. I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. Remove thy stroke away from me: I am consumed by the blow of thine hand.

When thou with rebukes dost correct man for iniquity, thou makest his beauty to consume away like a moth: surely every man is vanity. Selah. Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.

O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more.

~ Psalm 51 ~

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

Behold, I was shaped in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

~ Psalm 148 ~

Praise ye the LORD. Praise ye the LORD from the heavens: praise him in the heights. Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts. Praise ye him, sun and moon: praise him, all ye stars of light. Praise him, ye heavens of heavens, and ye waters that be above the heavens. Let them praise the name of the LORD: for he commanded, and they were created.

He hath also established them for ever and ever: he hath made a decree which shall not pass. Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps: Fire, and hail; snow, and vapours; stormy wind fulfilling his word: Mountains, and all hills; fruitful trees, and all cedars: Beasts, and all cattle; creeping things, and flying fowl: Kings of the earth, and all people; princes, and all judges of the earth: Both young men, and maidens; old men, and children: Let them praise the name of the LORD: for his name alone is excellent; his glory is above the earth and heaven.

He also exalts the horn of his people, the praise of all his saints; even of the children of Israel, a people near unto him. Praise ye the LORD.

~ Psalm 66 ~

Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands: Sing forth the honour of his name: make his praise glorious. Say unto God, How terrible art thou in thy works! Through the greatness of thy power shall thine enemies submit themselves unto thee. All the earth shall worship thee, and shall sing unto thee; they shall sing to thy name. Selah.

Come and see the works of God: he is terrible in his doing toward the children of men. He turned the sea into dry land: they went through the flood on foot: there did we rejoice in him. He ruleth by his power for ever; his eyes behold the nations: let not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah.

O bless our God, ye people, and make the voice of his praise to be heard: Which holdeth our soul in life, and suffereth not our feet to be moved. For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried. Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins. Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.

I will go into thy house with burnt offerings: I will pay thee my vows, Which my lips have uttered, and my mouth hath spoken, when I was in trouble. I will offer unto thee burnt sacrifices of fatlings, with the incense of rams; I will offer bullocks with goats. Selah.

Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.

Lately

2011-06-02T00:06:00.001-07:00

This post shall be slightly random and does not contain sunshine and rainbows nor any type of answers or encouragement. You have been warned.

Lately God has been trying to hammer into my stubborn head that I don't need to understand everything. I don't need to understand why my five year old brother is dying. I don't need to understand why God isn't healing him. I don't need to understand why my eighteen year old brother has found 'the one' and I haven't (though, I guess that's not important at the moment since I wouldn't be able to pursue anything right now anyway AND God HAS made it clear that I need to get my relationship straight with Him before He will bring me MY future husband....I have a feeling I won't be meeting this man anytime soon). I don't need to know why life is unfair or why bad things happen.

I don't need to know, but boy, would I sure like to.

It's in times like these where I have to wonder if my own failings (and believe me, right now I am all over the place in a crappy way) are hindering God in any way. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that *I* could possibly affect what Christ can and cannot do, but it sure feels like perhaps He isn't reaching down and doing more for my brother because I am so far away from Him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel and I can admit to that insecurity.

Everyone around me keeps saying to lean into God and that I am strong for being able to function through life right now. They say so many nice things and I feel like a fraud. I am NOT strong, people! It's called faking a smile so I don't have to answer a thousand questions and fall apart on you! It's called not knowing what to say because, to be truthful, I don't have the first dang clue what is going on either!

And I am not leaning into God. I know it may look that way, but right now, God and I are barely speaking....or I am not speaking to Him. I am not sure if I am angry at Him or ashamed to come back since I can't seem to stay out of trouble (my own personal demons) for very long. I just end up doing the same sin over and over again and the more I apologize and ask for help, the more fake and hollow I feel. Yeah, perhaps it is just shame.

No...no, I am angry, too. I am angry that my family has to deal with this crap when we've gone through so much already. I am mad at the thought of losing my youngest brother. I don't WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES!!! I don't want to be a sister who's lost a brother for medical reasons. I don't want my family to suffer through that! Why can't the Lord just HEAL my brother?!

So, yeah, I'm not talking to God much these days...and yet, I know He is trying to get my attention. A song will come on the radio. Someone will say something. I'll read a Facebook update. My hands will simply type out what I am feeling and suddenly I have an answer glaring at me on the computer screen, in my own words....or maybe not MY words at all.

I know the Lord wants me to turn back to Him. I know this and part of me wants to, but another part of me is so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of not understanding how to rely on God's strength...or is it that I have to use my own strength and He will pick up the slack? I don't even know anymore and I am too tired to try and puzzle it out. I am tired of nothing going right anymore. If it can go wrong, it will.

Do you know that I feel more like a mother now than I ever have before? That's right, my own mom has been gone more often than she's been home for the last 5 or 6 months. The adoption (something I don't regret, though, it has been difficult) started it and then everything seemed to go downhill from there, almost like my family was being punished for doing what God told us to do. Ironic, I know.

Then it was my brother no longer maintaining his stable status, landing him in the hospital 25o miles away. At this point one of my adopted sisters decided now was the time for HER to tank as well and go to the hospital, too. After that it has been touch and go with the hospital 45 minutes away and the one 4 hours away as both my adopted sister and my youngest brother have refused to be FINE at the same time.

Now it is just my brother, but that's even worse seeing as how the only reason he's in the hospital is because we can't manage his pain at home and no one can just FIX him. No one but God and He doesn't seem to be doing much in that department for reasons I don't understand.

And that's what it comes down to, huh? I don't understand and I guess I really don't need to because God IS in control. I know He is. My faith isn't shaken on that. I am just no longer interested in the destination He has in mind at this point because all I see are gray skies and a heck of a lot of rain. Just let me know when it decides to flood.

Rescued

2010-11-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

Temptation and Anger.

Two words I absolutely loathe and yet...I can't seem to stay away from either of them right now. *sigh* I don't want to run into them, but we seem to always meet at the most inopportune moments. I wish they would leave me alone.

I am tempted daily. We all are, but how we respond to that temptation is what separates people. Some people look at temptation, snort and walk away - laughing mockingly at temptation the entire way until they are out of sight or temptation slinks off into the shadows. Others slip a few times, but in the end they walk away, too. Maybe they do so less enthusiastically then the other group of people, but they do walk away.

And then there are people like me who want to walk away, but usually don't and then beat themselves up about it until they can't think of even TRYING to say no and walk away the next time. People like me...well, we tend to backslide, to slip more then usual....at least that is what it feels like. Everyone has their own struggle(s), but sometimes, it just feels like you are alone in the world and alone with your particular problem(s).

That's not true of course, but it's sometimes hard to see the hands that are reaching out to save you from the muck you are in. Sometimes the clouds are really thick and you've got so much dirt in your eyes, on you....that you just can't immediately see the help that is there, that has always been there.

And so you struggle against temptation, kicking yourself in the butt every single time your human strength, piddly as it is, fails you and you slide right back down the slippery slope you shouldn't have gotten near in the first place. And the worst thing is....you know you shouldn't have come here at all! You know what you are doing is wrong, you know and can SEE the escapes Jesus gives you and yet....you continue to do the wrong thing.

That's me. I know some of you might look at me (if we ever met or if you know someone who knows me) and think that I have it all together. I'm confident, smart, nice-looking, I have a good attitude even if my mouth does run away with me sometimes and I am a good Christian girl. This might be what you think see. You have been fooled.

I am not a nice Christian girl. I am not confident in the slightest. I am scared of almost everything when it comes to life. I feel stupid most of the time and I don't like many of the things that make up my body. And underneath the sugar-coated attitude....I am seriously confused about who I am and angry (but we'll get to that later). I am majorly messed up in my own ways, ways that have nothing to do with my family or my parents or being home-schooled or anything like that. No, it is a spiritual problem and it's one I have been fighting for the past year and half now.

I look at myself and see little worth. I look at my life and think, "What the heck am I even doing for God?" From my point of view....God should have dumped me and traded me in for a new model years ago! I would have! This has been the biggest hole in my life, the biggest thing I fall into on a regular basis:

I don't have a deep, meaningful, healthy relationship with God, with my Christ. I've come close in times past. I've also strayed so far I can't even see Jesus anymore. But now...now I am just in a rut where I am not far from Christ, but I am not close either. I can talk to Him just fine, but I still feel distant.

And in the midst of this distance....temptation comes. The temptation to take a different road, to look for comfort and good feelings in the form of something else when what I really want, really crave....is a relationship with my Creator. I just want to talk to my Father! I just want to feel beautiful and important, cared for, loved, appreciated...I want to feel treasured and I have been looking for it in all the wrong places.

This is where anger comes in. See, when you look for comfort, pleasure, happiness, safety or even just companionship in anything but Christ all you do is come up empty and that emptiness hurts. It hurts so much that after only a small bit of build-up, it makes you lash out in anger at anyone around you. Why? Because you are frustrated and you don't understand why you feel the way you do. It is like being ready to hit someone, but not knowing why you want to hit them.

Then there is anger at yourself. See, some of us, like me, know that what we are doing is wrong. God's confirmed it to us, the Bible tells us plain that it is wrong or maybe we just have a gut feeling about it. And yet, we still do what is wrong, we still give into temptation.

Shame comes first, deep wrenching shame and the anger quickly follows. If you didn't suck so much, if you have more will-power. If you would just not do what you know you are not supposed to, then you would feel better! Jeez, you know this doesn't make you feel any better anyway! Why do you do it? These are just some of the thoughts that can run through a person's mind as they do what is wrong or after, when they've already done it. Anger eats you up inside until all you are to those around you is that anger.

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Okay....I actually wrote this draft like three or four weeks ago. I never posted it. I think I didn't post it because at the time, I had no comfort, no *solution* at all to impart. I just needed to vent and since I hate journals (never could keep one) I just needed somewhere to type all of that out.

Now, though, I feel I should post it. Not only post it, though, but also tell you how my personal struggle is going. I said I wanted to put more of my personal experience in this blog and hard as that can be, I still want to do that...

So here it goes.

I have been struggling with this particular sin of mine for years now. For some of those years I didn't think much about what I was doing, in fact, I didn't really think I was doing anything wrong. I had read nothing in the Bible that said point blank that what I was doing was wrong and that little nagging feeling, that tug of shame? Nah, that wasn't really there and if it was...I wasn't interested in analyzing THAT. So I didn't.

It's actually only been in the last two years that I have started to truly notice how this sin was affecting my body, my mind and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. What I had thought as something that simply felt good was turning into something that was completely corrupting my mind, awakening things in my body better left alone and hindering my growing relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I am not going to go into details about this temptation that I've been battling - the details are between me and my Creator - but I will tell you what happened to make me truly able to let it go and truly give it to God.

See, I had tried to fight this for a long time and sometimes I would do good...for about two weeks and then I would stumble again. And I would curse myself. And I would slip deeper into sin because I was cursing myself. I hated myself. I truly hated myself and so I was constantly angry at myself. I saw no way out of this madness. I felt like each time I called on the Lord, He would help me for a day or two and then I was on my own. I had to battle this under my own strength and will to prove that I was worthy in some way.

As I sit here now, writing this...I can't help but want to both cry and smile in pure amusement for the person I was. While I cannot say that I love myself at this point in time, I can say that I don't hate myself anymore. I am slowly, tentatively beginning to like what I see in the mirror - and not just a physical mirror, but a spiritual one, too. That's what happens when you give your will, heart and failings to Christ and say "Here! I'm done!"

I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am not one of those Christians who thinks their crap doesn't stink! LOL I mess up every day. I yell at my many siblings, I grumble behind my parent's back and I even find myself getting angry or depressed for very little reason, but looking back...I can see where God is working on me and that is encouraging.

All right, I've gotten a little off-topic - that's what happens when I start writing about myself - so back to the main point of this post....

I only recently figured out about a month ago, right after writing this actually, that while I *was* trying to seek Jesus and gain his help with my problem, I was not truly ready to let it go. Awful as that sounds, especially considering how miserable I was, I wasn't quite ready to simply let my sin go. It was horrible, hurting me, but it was familiar and if there is one thing that I like it is familiarity. I don't like sudden change and just stopping a bad habit, a sin...well, that requires just quitting, cold-turkey in my case. There is no gradual weaning for me. It doesn't work and I know it. God knows it. So...because the Lord is a gentlemen and will not force us to do things against our will...He waited until I was good and ready to actually lay this burden before Him and TRULY walk away, submit to HIS plan for me.

I am ashamed to admit that it took all those years loathing myself, my behavior and struggling without my Creator to the point where I was despairing of anything ever changing for me to finally trust that Jesus' love, grace, forgiveness and HIS strength was what I needed so badly. I finally was ready to simply give up one way or another. God could have me and my corruptness or He could toss me out and let sin have its way with me. I was almost beyond caring enough to struggle anymore. I just wanted to know what the answer was, one way or another. A small part of me KNEW that I was saved, that Christ loved me and wouldn't let me go, but a greater part was just plain terrified that my offering of ME wouldn't be enough.

And then I just let go and I found out...*I* didn't need to rely on my own strength. I have none! This should have been clear long ago! *I* didn't need to prove myself worthy of anything. I am NOT worthy! And yet...Jesus delights in me anyway. He looks at me and He thinks I am worth every drop of blood He shed. He thinks I am worth every agony He endured, every tear, every thorn that pierced His skin, every whip of the lash....every horrible step that led Him to the cross...every nail that went through His body. He loves me and He delights in me as a father delights in a child. He looks down at me and smiles just because I am THERE. Just because I exist. I don't have to prove myself worthy and that's a really cool thing because I CAN'T. And that's fine.

It truly is an incredible feeling and I can't stop grinning and crying as I write this to you. When you truly let it sink into your soul, your heart and not just know it in your head...it changes you. It truly, truly does. How can it not? The lover of your soul doesn't love you for what you can do or who you can become! He loves you because you EXIST! Because He made you. He loves you and smiles over you and blesses you and delights in you and sings over you and laughs with joy because of you simply for the reason that you are YOU. How can that not make you weep for the sheer joy and comfort of knowing that?

*giggles* Again, once again, I digress. *smiles* I can't sincerely apologizing for doing so, but I will go ahead and get somewhat back on track. Please do stick with me...

There came a point about a month ago when I was simply done. I was at the end of my rope and I didn't know where to go. I had come a long way from where I'd been at the beginning of the year (look at posts further down), but this one sin just wouldn't go away. Sure I have others, but this one bothered me the most.

And so I caved. Completely. I caved, gave in to the One who could right me, right the wrong in my life. I went to Jesus with a broken heart......and He gave me comfort. He gave me my mother. He gave me new friends. He gave me a pastor. He gave me His love and forgiveness. And He told me that my broken heart was what He'd wanted all along. He hadn't wanted my empty - even if sincere at the time - promises. He didn't want me to simply stop sinning. He wanted ME and He still does. He wanted me before Him, completely broken and needing HIM.

I know that might sound strange and awkward. I know it might make you recoil slightly as you try to imagine actually being that vulnerable. I know that many of us don't even think we have anything in our lives that would require we do that. I know what some of you might think. I was in the same place. The thought of completely submitting anything that BIG to God...well, it scared me. There are still things in my life that I need to submit to the Lord, but having done it once....I would like to think I am more prepared.

*listens to the quiet laughter in her head and has to smile* Okay...I would like to think that I'm more willing at least...I suppose it will depend on what He asks me to give up next, but I'll climb that wall when I get to it.

God has given me the strength sufficient to each day to battle my temptation. Only enough for each day, though. It is up to me to ask for that strength. It is up to me to use that strength and not discard it. With this strength, though, comes grace, love, compassion and forgiveness. The Lord does not simply give you one tool to complete a job, to be successful, but like a helpful Father who just wants to care for you, He gives you more tools then you think you could possibly need. In the end, though, you realize that God is full of more wisdom then we can understand because in the end, you notice that you HAVE used every tool He's given you.

The Lord does not leave after He's given you these tools, either. No, then He stays by your side, always ready to help when you ask for it. He's always watching you, encouraging, warning and comforting. He's there when you slip - no matter how badly you slip - and he gives you the grace and the forgiveness and the strength to get back up. If you only accept it.

I have gone a month now without giving into the sin that has plagued me for years. It seems like a small accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but to me and to Jesus...it is a great victory. I am tempted still, on odd occasions, when I least expect it, but Jesus is still here and He is still giving me everything I need to combat the evil one.

I finally feel the first tastes of freedom, the freedom only Christ provides, I finally know that I don't have to give into the sin anymore. I don't have to seek comfort in the arms of evil. I have One who is more powerful still and I couldn't love Him any more then I do now.

Ah, scratch that! Yes, I could and I can't wait for Him to show me how!

A Child

2010-08-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

You know what I have found in the last few months (sorry for not being here)? It's that one has to be like a child to come through the trials of the world happier and more trusting then when one went into those troubled waters. Only if we have the spirit and attitude of a child can we hope to gain anything through the problems satan throws our way.

Now I am not saying that a person should behave childishly or that they should not be aware of the things that go on around them. They should not be ignorant. I am saying that a person should trust and look at the world through the eyes of a child, though.

Think about it. When a child is in trouble, who do they look to? Their parents, their mommy and daddy. They look to some adult figure, someone that they know they can rely on. They look to someone bigger and with more wisdom then they. Why? Because they know, with their trusting little minds, that the bigger person will help them, know what to do.

When you throw a child up in the air in play what do they do? They squeal and laugh and smile and spread their arms. Do they fear falling? Landing on the ground and breaking a bone? No! They are secure in the knowledge - instinctive knowledge, instinctive trust - that their daddy/mommy/big person will catch them!

Trust. Faith. Child. Those three words go together so well, don't they? A child trusts so easily (even about bad things and lies). They have such innocent faith that everything will be all right in the end. Why? Because someone will make it so.

Have you ever noticed that children don't really worry? They don't worry about where their food will come from. They don't worry about how mom and dad will pay the bills so they can live in their house. They don't worry about how they will get presents on their birthdays and Christmas. They don't worry about things like that. They just have a simple faith and trust that the big people around them will take care of it all.

How alike this situation is to how God wants us to rely on Him! Jesus said you had to become like a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Doesn't it strike you as sad that we have the simple, but powerful faith and trust Jesus wants from us when we are children and it is only as we get older that we lose this innocence?

One must become like a child to trust God completely, to KNOW that they can rely on their Creator. That Christ will NEVER drop them or let them fall.

I know some people find this VERY difficult to do and you know what I have found? Those are the individuals who have been burned over and over and over again by people that should have been there for them to lean on and trust. I have found that people with a scarred childhood (the ones that could never trust their parents, didn't have any parents or adult-figure they trusted and could look up to) are the ones who find it difficult to believe that Christ could care about THEM, could want to catch THEM if THEY fell and would want to provide for THEM. They believe Jesus can provide. They just don't always trust that He will.

But even people who have been hurt can become like children again. It takes great will, patience with yourself and self-awareness of the things you think about and do, but it IS possible. It is difficult to choose to trust when the world, satan and your own mind tells you to do it yourself, to rely on your own strength, but it is possible to say 'no', to choose to trust in your Creator, in your Father. It's not easy to fall and have faith that someone will catch you, especially if you've been let down before, but one of the many things we should remember is that God is not man. He doesn't have any of the failings or sins of man. He never goes back on His word and He never lets His people down.

Choose to trust the Lord your God. Choose to ignore the doubts and fears that you aren't good enough, that God couldn't possibly have been directing his promises at YOU. Satan will tell you you're worthless, that you don't deserve to be loved and cared for, that you don't deserve the assurance of God's presence and promises. The devil will even get people who agree with him to bring you down.

DON'T LISTEN!!! You are a treasure, a precious work of art, a jewel beyond worth to Christ. He died for you, suffered for you because He LOVES you and He wanted you for Himself. He wants to never be parted from you. You mean that much to Him. If your Lord would die for you - and not just die, but die in such a painful way - will He not keep his many promises to you? Will He not want to care for the treasure, the jewel He gave His life to save?

God does not 'drop people' or 'forget His promises'. He never lies and He is ALWAYS there to catch us when we fall or stumble. He's there to hold our hands and guide our steps if we will but let Him, trust Him. If we only become like a small child, trusting and following our Daddy's strong voice and hands, following in HIS steps.

Guidance and Jesus FIRST

2010-06-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

2 Timothy 2:22-26 ~ Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that that they may know the the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.

This is the meaning to this verse. The first half "Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." simply translates as this:

Flee youthful lusts. Flee temptations. Flee things that are not of God. If this mean physically fleeing then do it, but do not be captured by temptation and lusts.

Pursue righteousness, faith and love. These things are pleasing to the Lord. Pursue peace with people who call upon and follow the Lord out of the pureness of their hearts. Befriend people who want to follow Christ, who long for Him. They will help you want the same.

Avoid foolish and ignorant arguments. They are not worth your time and they lead to fights and hurt feelings. Do not disagree and argue with someone simply because you can if you know the debate is not going to get either of you anywhere.

Now the second part "And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that that they may know the the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will." means this:

Someone who follows God, a servant of the Lord, must not fight with others, but be gentle to all. This does not necessarily mean something physical, but more of something spiritual and of the mouth. Do not be harsh with those who are wrong, but be gentle with them, showing the love of Christ.

Be able to teach others by knowing what you are teaching. Be patient. Everyone's walk is different and even if someone is trying to follow Jesus, if they are wrong that does not mean that they will immediately respond encouragingly to correction. If you know someone is wrong, correct them in humility, not lording it over them or lecturing them because you know you are right.

God is willing and able to accept His childrens' repentance and part of our jobs as followers of Christ is to help correct and guide one another toward the Lord. We are to help keep one another from falling into Satan's snares. We are to help keep one another from following the will of the devil.

Do not be afraid to correct your friends. Do not be afraid or ashamed to question their choices in life if those choice are not pleasing to the Lord. Try to help them come to their senses, but if they refuse then flee from them. Whether that is physical or just mentally, flee the temptation to do wrong that they are presenting into your own life. Running away from sin is not being cowardly, it is being wise and protecting yourself. And don't just run away anywhere, run to Jesus! He will keep you safe.

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Psalm 119:73 ~ Your hands have made me and fashioned me;
Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.

Psalm 119:88 ~ Revive me according to Your loving-kindness,
So that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth.

Psalm 119:97-104 ~

Oh, how I love Your law!
It is my meditation all the day.
You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies;
For they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers,
For Your testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients,
Because I keep Your precepts.
I have restrained my feet from every evil way,
That I may keep Your word.
I have not departed from Your judgments,
For You Yourself have taught me.
How sweet are Your words to my taste,
Sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through Your precepts I get understanding;
Therefore I hate every false way.

Psalm 119:115 ~ Depart from me, you evildoers,
For I will keep the commandments of my God!

Psalm 119:124, 125 ~ Deal with Your servant according to Your mercy,
And teach me Your statutes.
I am You servant;
Give me understanding,
That I may know Your testimonies.

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Matthew 4:18-20 ~ As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.

Matthew 16:24-26 ~ Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Both of these verses are telling us the same things. In Matthew 4:18-20 Jesus asked Peter and Andrew to follow Him and they immediately DROPPED their nets and followed Christ.

This can be taken literally, of course, because it did happen literally, but we can also look at the message given to us in this example. What did Jesus ask of these two men? That they follow Him. What did the men do? They dropped their nets and followed at once. They dropped the nets, the things weighing them down to where they were (much like dropping sin - the net that weighs us down) and followed Christ when He called. They didn't ask for just a few minutes. They didn't say "Hey, let us catch some fish and then we will follow you." No, they left their nets AT ONCE and followed Christ.

In Matthew 16:24-26 Christ is explaining what following Him will require. He says that that if anyone wants to follow Him they must deny themselves. This means that they must give up the things that their flesh craves which is sin. The person who would follow Jesus must take up his cross - must accept trials and persecution, they must carry the knowledge that the world will hate them and mock them - and follow Jesus wholeheartedly, giving up the sins and evil pleasures of the world.

Christ says that whoever wants to save his life - keep his things, his way of doing things, his sin - then he will lose everything and the person who would lose his life - give up his things, sins and follow God's way - will gain his life and so much more.

Jesus asks us what we will gain if we have the world? If we have riches and pleasures? What will it gain us in the end? Do we not die? Does our stuff follow us to the grave? Can we use it?

No. We cannot use any of the riches we store up here on earth. If we spend our whole lives trying to gain the world, we will have lost everything in the end and we will never find peace while we live.

Would we give up our Soul for riches and sin? Would we give up the one thing that will follow us forever, even onto death, for the temporary pleasures of the world while we live? Our Soul is indestructible, whether we choose Jesus or Satan, our Soul does not die. Our Soul is the greatest treasure we could ever have and we need to take care of it, to guard it and gather as many riches as it will hold.

The way to gather riches for your Soul is to follow Jesus! It is to live your life for Him, to put Him first and always put Him first. It is to repent when you stray and sin, and then continue to seek Christ diligently.

Die in yourself, starve your mind and spirit and body of evil, sin and be reborn in Jesus Christ. Die in your old self so that you may LIVE in your Lord and Savior! Surrender your life to Him, not halfway, but all the way and you will see that the wonders He has in store for you.....the riches of the world will never measure up to.

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Hebrews 12:1, 2 ~ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Adoption and Loyalty

2010-06-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post will be all over the place....well, organized, but without a real "main" topic. My mind is just filled with a lot right now and I need to get it out in writing.

The first thing on my list will be adoption because that one has been pestering me to be written for a few days now.

My family is adopting two little girls with Down syndrome from Ukraine (that's Eastern Europe). Bethany is 2.5 years and Hannah is 10 months. Bethany has DS and a heart condition that has been treated with surgery already. Hannah has DS and might have Cerebral Palsy. The heart condition remains to be seen. If you want to know more about them, go to my sidebar and click on the blog "Room For More".

God led us to adopt these two girls out of an orphanage, society and country that doesn't want them. In Ukraine, children with disabilities are written off as worthless, no-good and having no life-value. They are broken and will contribute nothing to those around them. Parents are pressured into giving up their children to orphanages and when the child turns 4-5 they are sent to mental institution to live out the rest of their usually short lives.

See, in these institutions they will get barely enough food to survive, barely enough water. They will be ignored, surrounded by screaming, insane adults and other neglected children. They will never be taken out of their cribs (even as they grow) unless someone happens to see that their bed and the child in it are covered in urine and poop. They get no human love or warmth or care. They don't get medical treatment and most need it. The worst part is that most institutions won't let you adopt a child once they are there....and most children die in their first year.

Does this make your heart ache? I know it does mine! These children are children of God same as you or I! God loves us. We are spoiled and rebellious and we stray and nit-pick over the most stupid things, but our Creator still loves and cherishes us.

No one loves these children. No one but God. They need families and love and food and care. They deserve the chance at life! God calls all Christians to look after the widows and the orphans.

James 1:27 - Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

This doesn't mean that EVERYONE should adopt. What it means is that EVERYONE who proclaims to be a Christian, who proclaims to love God and want to follow Him should be aware of this need. They should be aware of this commandment that God gave them. The Creator knows that not every Christian is called to adopt a child, especially a child with a disability, but all Christians are called to help widows and orphans.

Helping might mean you volunteer your time. It might mean you donate a dollar. God blesses those who give and do what He commands! It doesn't matter how much you can give - be it time or money - what He cares about is that you took the time, the faith to do so, to give.

I just wish that people would see the need that is going on around them. Christ adopted us. God adopted us into his family. He loves these orphans and if He will not leave US as orphans, what makes anyone believe He would want us to leave children as orphans?

John 14:18 - I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you

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Loyalty is a funny thing. We want to be loyal to God, we want to be loyal to our friends, we want to be loyal to our family and you don't want to step on anyone's toes doing it.

For some people this is easy. For others, not so much. I'm one of the "not so much" people. See, for some time, I struggled with being loyal to God and being loyal to sin. That's one thing I am glad to have absolute clarity on now.

But family, friends and God? I wasn't sure and I was growing frustrated and confused. When all three are saying different things, who do you listen to? Sometimes you listen to two at a time if they tell you the same thing. You only hope God is one of those two, right?

Okay, let's just take God out of the picture for a moment. How do you choose between family and friends? How do you walk the line when you don't want to give up either? Especially when both sides can make valid points about what you are trying to decide on? You can't choose, not without betraying the other. So you give a little here and you give a little there, but you can never fully commit to a side and you never feel like you can just be yourself with family when your friends come up in the conversation and you feel uncomfortable when your friends talk about your family. How do you walk the line and keep them both happy?

Well, you can't, not alone at least.

See, I am a person who HATES to have others disappointed in her. I would rather you punish me and we go on then for you to be disappointed in me. It hurts and as much as I mess up, I don't LIKE disappointing people, having them disappointed in me. So get me between my family and friends and I freeze because I don't want either side disappointed in me.

You know what I've come to realize? My ultimate loyalty is to Jesus. It's to my Creator. My loyalty to God should be first in all my relationships. How is that the answer? Well, if you are doing things that are right, and true, and good, and pleasing in the Lord's eyes then you can't go wrong with ANYTHING you do. If all your focus and all your loyalty is to God, then it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. You can rest assured in the fact that your are doing what is right.

If your ultimate loyalty is to God, then you don't have to pick sides. You just follow where He leads you. Take Jonathan for example. He understood the difference between blind and open-eyed loyalty. He had his priorities straight. He knew that loyalty doesn't justify helping someone do wrong. Jonathan's father, King Saul, wanted to kill David. Jonathan neither helped not prevented his father's plans, but he warned his friend David. Jonathan remained with his father. He died with his father. Jonathan was able to be a loyal son and a loyal friend - to the death.

How did he keep his loyalties straight? He had an ultimate loyalty to God and His ways. His human loyalties were always controlled by his loyalty to his heavenly Father. That made the difference in his life. It is why he never had to choose which person to side with. His choice was to always side with God.

I want to do the same. I don't want to tip-toe on the line between friends and family anymore and worry about disappointing one or the other. I want to have a full relationship with my family and my friends.....with God right smack in the middle where He should be.

Something's got me so jazzed!

2010-06-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

Heaven!

Now before you roll your eyes or click this page shut and move on, let me say that you MIGHT actually be interested in hearing this. I know I was!

When you here the word "Heaven" what comes to mind?

Harps? (Maybe)
Clouds? (Most definitely, but I highly doubt you float on them, though, maybe we will....)
People singing all day? (Why not? If we feel like praising the Lord that way then we will)
A place where there is no emotional hurt or physical pain, but also no purpose? (Yes to the first, NO to the latter)
Do you have a body? (YEP!)
Do you recognize other people? (Uh-huh!)
Will you have anything to do? (Yes-yes!!)
Will pets be there? (*nods*)

What will it be like? (I'll get to that...)

Only a few of the many, many questions people can have. I know that I didn't really know what Heaven was, but I did know that I thought it was going to be really boring and I felt guilty for not longing for Heaven more then I did. I felt guilty for loving this Earth - not the sin in it, but the beauty and solidity and familiar-ness of the Earth itself. How could I be honoring God when all I wanted to do was continue to live on Earth? Especially when the Earth was destined to be destroyed - literally - (or so I believed)?

It's only in the last couple of days that I've been given so much hope and happiness it astounds me! I'm reading a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. This book is AMAZING and I would recommend it to anyone, and I'm going to share a bit of what I've learned. Lucky you! LOL

Did you know that Heaven is a place? A solid, with ground and sky and buildings and streets place? I sure didn't, but it is! Know why? Because Heaven is the New Earth! Some of you might now being going "What?" - believe me, I did, too.

It's actually really simple and hopefully I won't mess it up with my teenage writing skills as I try to explain....

Alright, usually when we refer to Heaven we mean the place Christians go when we die, but that's not quite accurate. See we're actually referring to the Intermediate Heaven. Intermediate means temporary. Now this IH (Intermediate Heaven) is where we'll dwell prior to our bodily resurrection. It is a good place, but it's not our final destination. It's not the place God has planned for us - no that is a billion times better, I assure you!

Now there is sooooo much I could tell you about this IH, but it would take an entire post of its own and that's not my purpose at the moment. If anyone wants to read more about it, get the book or just let me know - I would be more then happy to post about it more thoroughly.

Now, the New Earth or Heaven (take your pick, they are one and the same) is the place we are going to after Christ comes back. God is going to restore the Earth making it the New Earth. Heaven and Earth will no longer be divided, but will be one. God will not leave His home to come to us and we will not live in some other "place". Our Lord will live with us and we will live with our God because we will both be in the same place Heaven on the New Earth!

We are homesick for Eden. Do you ever look at such a beautiful sight that you can't help but wish that all the world was like that? - was peaceful and green and just....not cursed? That desire didn't come out of thin air and it's not from Satan. It's a longing that is buried deep in all of us, Christian or not. It is our souls and hearts crying out for what we've lost - Paradise. This isn't a bad thing! We don't want to leave Earth because this is where we belong!

In the beginning does the Bible say that God made man and woman and that they lived somewhere in this place called Heaven? No. It says that they lived on Earth and that they lived in Paradise. That is what we long for and rightly so. It is natural to long for this Paradise and to long that it could be here on Earth, a place we are all familiar with.

The good news is this.....exactly what we long for....is exactly what anyone who is saved by Jesus Christ is going to get, and so much more! The New Earth will be paradise! It will be a giant Eden. It will literally be Heaven on Earth.

Now don't get lost with the Eden bit I threw in there. We're not going to be living in a giant garden - at least not everywhere, but there will be trees, flowers, animals, dirt, bushes, streams, lakes, rivers....buildings, cities, towns, houses, kingdoms.....families, friends, neighbors, pets, loved ones......and all will be there without the Curse, without sin and corruption. Everything will be perfect, sinless, pure. People will have work, jobs, a purpose. Work that glorifies the Lord, work that is suitable to people's talents and gifts. It will be work and purposes that every individual will love and that every single person will be uniquely able to do in his or her own way!

We will have perfect resurrected bodies. We'll constantly be surrounded by God, delighting in doing his works, praising Him. We'll talk with Jesus and be forever learning and feeling loved and wanted and fulfilled.

We'll be in a PLACE. Humans are not designed by God to be spirits or to have no purpose. He loves us! He made us, He knows what we need and long for. He gave us those longings (note that the longing for Heaven or for God or for anything holy is what I am referring to here, not sinful longings). He wants to make us happy and He knows we will be happiest in a "place", somewhere familiar.

God created the Earth. God created us. Jesus has redeemed us. Can He not redeem the Earth we live on? Or has Satan beaten God in that area? Why should God destroy the Earth literally, giving the Devil a victory? He didn't destroy us and we are soooooooooo much worse off and more complicated to fix then the Earth. I truly believe that God is big enough to finish the perfect plan He started and that included the Earth and everything He put on it.

There are so many scriptures I could put here to back up what I say and if anyone really wants to know what they are, just tell me, but this post has gone on for a while and I think I should probably end it and I shall do so on this note:

Heaven is so much more real and imaginable then we think! Our Lord loves us and knows exactly what we need and His plans, I'm finding out, are more awesome and wonderful then we could ever guess.......but we do have the knowledge and clues to try!

Sin

2010-06-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

"..................Do I have to write about this?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To help others. To remind yourself."

"........All right."

-----------------------

A conversation (not exactly word for word mind you) between me and God. He wants me to write about WHY I haven't been here. Why I've stopped posting....why I've been hurting my family, stopped writing, stopped having a life....stopped talking to Him....

And He wants me to write about how I've come back, been forgiven and am, even now, rebuilding relationships around me.

Sooo....here it goes.

Roleplaying. Not an evil thing in and of itself, but when all you think about is RPing, when all you talk about is RPing and when all you want to do is RP......well, it's not healthy for many reasons. What got me was this, though......when RPing (or ANY sin) hurts the ones around you and makes you do things you NEVER thought you'd do.....well, that's just sad in a huge way.

This was just ONE of my problems since January. I didn't want to spend time with my family. The siblings I told everyone I enjoyed....it's to my greatest shame to admit that I didn't even like them anymore. I wanted them to go away and to make matters even worse....my family is in the process of adopting two little girls from Ukraine.

I started lying to my parents about how long I was staying up at night, lying about the content of the things I was writing/RPing (and what I was writing was NOT edifying to the Lord - torture and sex-scenes are not high on God's list of things He likes) and lying about just STUPID things. I was always complaining to friends about what I had to do around the house that kept me away from my addiction. I shorted my chores and sometimes gave my parents HORRIBLE attitude because I couldn't WAIT to get back on the computer and heaven forbid I have to wash the dishes or change a diaper or go out with my family.

And through it all....I was completely ignoring God. I didn't talk to Him, didn't ask Him for advice, didn't pray....I didn't seek the help I KNEW would be there if I would just turn to Him (something I didn't do even when I truly realized what I was doing was WRONG). I didn't care about what God thought. I didn't care about what my family thought. I was happy sinning.

So the what was the turning point?

Honestly, I got caught, got scared out of my mind and basically just had Christ whack me over the head. Hard.

God bless my mom (a THOUSAND times over). She asked to read what I was writing and since she HAS raised me to be truthful (I look at what I've done -lying- with great regret and sorrow) I gave her the password to my RPing and let her read it.

Biggest moment of fear in my life I think. Which is sad considering that I was only afraid that I would be in trouble and that she would take away my addiction. Anyway....she read....and what she read broke her heart. I wrote about my mom to my friends one way (as if she always annoyed me, never left me alone and like she was someone I wanted nothing to do with) and then tried to treat her another way (like she was my greatest friend.....something she had truly been for a loooooong time). I behaved like a b**** and I hurt her in a way that I NEVER wanted to hurt my mom, my most trusted friend.

It made me realize how much MORE I've broken my Savior's heart. I ignored Him, violated His commandments and completely shoved Him aside to sin against Him.

And both my Savior and my mother.....are giving me another chance. Little by little I am showing that I want to change, am changing. I never wanted to become the person I did. I completely went against things I knew to be right...things I was never going to do. I've been forgiven, but it doesn't mean I'm completely free of the consequences that came with my actions. I can't be trusted yet and I know this. I hurt my family and I know this. I hurt Christ and I know this. I know it is going to take time and effort on my part to right this horrible wrong.

I also KNOW that with Jesus on my side.....I CAN come back from this!!!! Already I'm making better choices. I've stopped Roleplaying, I don't talk bad about my family, God has truly given me a new kind of love and appreciation for my siblings......and most of all....for my MOM. I hurt my mother and she's forgiven me, she continues to check-up on me, encourage me, love me even when I know she is still hurting on the inside. If there is a greater show of Christ's love....I don't know what it is at this point.

Sin is a weed, a thorn bush that comes up and chokes the life out of you. It chokes the morals, the concepts of right and wrong and even the love you have for others out of you. It makes you hurt people EVERY SINGLE TIME. It turns you away from Jesus. It becomes the center of your life and most often, you think it's you that has control over the sin. That's never the case. Don't fool yourself into thinking it is.

You can't go partway with sin. One step always leads to another. Two steps turn into ten and pretty soon you can't even see the way back to the straight and narrow path. The thorns, bushes and vines that entangle you in the trap you've walked into have grown too thick to get yourself out of.

And then something happens. Maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's family. Maybe a song, a book, a sermon....maybe you just come to your senses, but at some point you realize you've screwed up bad. So you call on God. You call on Jesus, the only person who can hand you a machete and with His hands over yours, help you hack away at the thorns and vines that imprison you. He is the ONLY one who is going to be able to help you out and back to the place He has planned for you.

I learned this the hard way and I REALLY wish I hadn't. God is working small wonders in my life right now, but I wish I'd had the wisdom I do at this point in my life....earlier. The funny thing is....I did. I just wasn't willing to take it seriously. I do now and I hope that you might, too.

Stay with Jesus and if you've already strayed...CALL TO HIM!!! He WILL rescue you!!! He LOVES you!!! Abandon sin, renounce Satan and cling to Jesus. He's the only one who can save you.

Hi

2010-06-01T16:55:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for four months.....dang. Has it really been that long? Yes, yes it has....

Otay, first thing that I'm going to do is say that this blog, though, still God/Jesus oriented, is going to be taking a different turn as to how it is written. I discovered that I HATE writing impersonal things. I lose interest quickly and as much as I love writing about God, I don't like the way I've been doing it.

I wanted to help people with MY experiences. How many of these posts have even mentioned any of MY experiences? That's right. None. Everything has been so....impersonal. Like something a reporter might write or something. I doesn't have any kind of personal "feel" to it and I don't like that.

Soooo.....I'm going to write in a new way. No, I won't always have an experience to go along with advice or my opinion, but most of the time what I write will have some bearing on what's going on with me and my life in some way. Or maybe just what I've, personally, learned.

This blog will still not have a lot of details about my general life or friends or family, but it will have more of "me" in it. Hopefully, I can praise God that way, too.

Love

2010-01-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

What is love?

Most will tell you it is a feeling. Or an emotion that comes about through a chemical reaction in your body. Or maybe it is an action.

All would be correct, but that doesn't usually satisfy. I think of love as an emotion and an action all rolled in one, but how does that really tell what love is?

Okay, how about another question....How do we love?

Some do it through words, some through actions, but that's not what I am asking. How do we love others? What is it that draws us to them? Appeals to us? Makes that interest develope into love?

Maybe this question will help.....Who do we love?

We love ourselves....at least enough to take care of ourselves. We love family....friends....pets.....strangers? How do we choose who we will love and in what way?

So we have "what", "how" and "who". How 'bout "why"?

Why do we love?

Now that I have an answer to. We love because we are loved and we were designed to love. Okay, so going on this answer, let's look at the other ones again.....

What is love?

It is a desire to please, to make someone happy, to express how much they mean to you. God gave us the desire to be kind and want to please Him and the ones we care about.

How do we love?

Through actions and words, yes, but I think it is more, too. It's through the willingness to deal with the crap that goes along with every relationship. It's the stubbornness to not give up on a goal to reach someone. It's the way we say, "Hey, I'm there for you no matter what you are doing." no matter how much we may disagree.

I know these all seem like actions, but there is emotion that goes along with them, too.

Who do we love?

We love others. I know...that is a "duh", but it is who we love that helps define us. Truly, it is. Do we love ourselves? Yes, to a degree. Our family? We hope we can. Friends? That's a bit harder in my opinion. Sometimes we do, but only for awhile. Other times we think that we couldn't love them more and it falls apart.....

Still other times it is everything we could want and we just don't really feel very much of anything. Then there is something real and we wonder how we could have never not loved this person!

Do we love strangers? Yes and no. Everyone is a stranger at first. Your own daughter is a stranger the first time you meet her after birth. Everyone is a stranger at some point, so technically, yes. We do love strangers.

But that isn't what I am asking and I think we all know it. ;D Do we love strangers? People we never thought to get to know? People we don't really have anything in common with? Someone we aren't even sure we are going to see again?

Most, sadly, say no. How could you? You don't know them.

This is were I have to wonder what love really is.

You see.....I have loved strangers. I have talked to someone, not even thinking that anything would come of it, and felt such love for that person sweep over me that I can't help but be amazed and moved by it.

How can this be? Did my body's chemicals decide to dance without a reason? Did this person do something? Say something? No.

So how do you explain it? I believe that the answer is simple.

Christ gave me it. Because this love isn't what I feel for friends. It's not what I feel for my family. And since some of the strangers have been female, I know it is not "in love" love. LOL

It's Jesus, loving them through me. Which brings to question how Christ loves?.

He loves through his believers. He loves through messages that warn or encourage us. He loves through actions. He loves through blessings and putting someone in the right place at the right time to help us. He loves by listening and accepting us with all our faults.

It's the first and last that really get me. The second (yes, I'm going out of order) because Jesus does that frequently! I can't tell you how many times He has brought someone who just KNOWS what I need to hear or experience for whatever reason. He does the same with people who haven't accepted Him as well.

This brings up the first thing. Believers. We are one of Christ's ways of giving His love to those that need it so badly and yet....we are reluctant to love most of the time. We are reluctant, even resistant to step out of our bubbles/boxes and truly LOVE those that we don't know.

It saddens me greatly.

How many more could Jesus reach if we were WILLING vessels?! It would be awesometastic (to quote a good friend)!!!

............Alright. I know this post has rambled on and I didn't answer all my questions, but that isn't the point. The point is to make YOU think. I know....not quite as much fun! :p

I will end on this note:

We should love others (all others) as the Lord, our Savior, loves us. Unconditionally, constantly, gently and yet fiercely!

Religion

2009-12-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

What is religion? Why do we fight about it so much? Why do you have to belong to one or the other or none at all?

Religion is a label. It is a title that man has stuck to the act of worshiping, praying and coming together in fellowship. I don't have a religion. I have a relationship.

When people ask me what my religion is, I have to smile in amusement and always do. I don't have a RELIGION. I have JESUS. I have a relationship with my Savior, not the church or its ideas. Not the world and its titles.

I don't have to belong to any branch of Christianity and I don't believe I do. I believe that Christ is my Savior, that I am saved through grace, that I am loved by the Creator of the universe and that I love, pray to and worship Him. That isn't a religion. It's love, commitment and a friendship.

It's as simple as that.

Why does a discussion about a person's faith or lack there of create so much animosity and awkwardness? Are we really discussing what we believe or judging that person? You can't mention words like Christ, Christian, Buddha, Muslim, Satan, Jesus, Wicca, Catholic, Mormon or anything else of the like without someone saying you are trying to start an argument or getting offended.

When did it become a social crime to talk about these things? I will say that I don't agree with anything other then what I believe, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to at least debate it with others without insulting them, insulting their faith or pressuring them.

So I ask once more: What are we trying to do when we get offended and defensive? Are we trying to understand the other person and how to reach them or are we just judging them completely by what they choose to follow?

How can we change this? Is anyone even willing anymore?

End Times

2009-12-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

The Rapture, Second Coming of Christ, End Times. Why do we no longer study it? Talk about it except in passing? Are we ready for it? Will it come soon?

These are some questions that run through my mind as I read Revelation. Few Christians truly talk about The Second Coming, nor do they really study it. Why? Are we afraid we will get the information wrong? Won't understand?

I will admit that a lot of things in the Bible still don't make sense to me, but that doesn't stop me from trying to learn. Why do most Christians stay away from End Times study like the plague? Don't we want to learn about the Coming of our Savior?

Or are we afraid that if we study and learn that we might feel compelled to tell others and come out of our bubbles?

What happens to those left behind after Christ raptures his Church? Will there be people we could have at least told this would happen? Maybe someone who would have needed to hear it?

I can say freely that I don't know what will happen. I can read, study, pray, but in the end I only have tiny bits of the puzzle. It doesn't matter, though! If I can share even the little pieces that I know it could have an impact on someone!

End Times is part of Witnessing! It is so close.....we have more reason to believe it will happen in our life-time then ANY other generation before us. Am I saying that I know when the End Times will occure? No. Of course not, but I truly believe (from Faith and study) that it will be very soon.

We can share so much about this topic with both believer and unbeliever. Why do we continue to push it aside for a later date?

My Heart and the Unsaved

2009-11-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

Witnessing.

It is something I love and yet hate. It's a word that fills me with anticipation and hope....and yet makes me incredibly frustrated and sad.

Sometimes I have to wonder if anything I say does any good. Did the seed take root? Did I say the right things? Am I giving false (though not purposely) information? Am I counting on myself too much?

I know that anything wrong I say or in any area I lack, it can still be used for God's glory.....I know that it isn't me planting this seed, it is Christ.....I know that I can do nothing without Jesus' help.....I know that His plan is perfect and He knows the outcome of our labor.....

I KNOW all this and yet.......and yet my heart still cries over the people, friends, strangers that I just can't seem to reach for Jesus. I physically hurt sometimes thinking about a person I have come to love through God's divine grace who has not accepted salvation.

I get angry and frustrated when I feel like I JUST CAN'T REACH THEM!!! And then I have to pause....to remind myself that it is not my place to reach them, to save them....it's Christ's. I am merely the vessel for HIS message. He is the Savior. I remind myself of this and calm again.

The pain in my heart doesn't leave, though. It makes me cry at night as I lay in bed, reflecting on the day. The sheer hope and sadness that weighs on me makes me want to find ANYTHING that will convince them. Anything to make them see that Jesus LOVES them and wants them for his own.

But I can't make the decision for them. It is an extremely hard thing to accept, but I can't. I can only continue to water the seed that I have helped plant and pray and hope that it will grow into the thing the Lord desires. I can only pray and hope that it will be something Christ can harvest.

Witnessing is rewarding and yet, a difficult road to travel.....all I want is to be able to see some of the faces that I talk to on my side of the fence afterwards. What I long for the most right now is for my friends (M, C and W, especially) to come to know Christ as I have....to become my sisters and brothers in Jesus.

It is for that reason that I will keep teaching, praying, wishing, explaining, reminding, crying, watering, speaking, longing and hoping that someday.....even if I don't know it this side of Heaven.....that I will see a loved one, a friend come to Jesus from the seed I helped plant.

Crying Out

2009-11-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

So many times my soul has cried to you, Lord. I feel helpless and worthless. My life seems to mean little. I stray into temptation so easily and I feel far from you. My heart and eyes shed tears and I yearn for your presence and yet push you away.

I'm so confused and conflicted. I want to serve, praise your name, follow your will and yet the momentary pleasure I get from sinning and walking away tempts me. Like a fool I follow the dark road. I stray from your side.

My heart quails within me, my spirit recoils from the things I do and yet my body, my mind cares not. It does not heed your calls and I fall further away from loving arms that would forgive and comfort me. I run from the one who would bless me and lead me to great riches for my soul. All because the darker road is easier. The road you have chosen for me takes effort, it commands obedience, that I give up my sins and follow you.

Though my spirit would do so willingly, nay it would rejoice, my body shys away from such labor, prefering instant gratification.

Why Lord? Why do I not follow you like I know I should? How can you keep forgiving me when I come back broken and in need? How many times will your grace cover me?

I weep for the things I've done. I cry out for you to cleanse me. I fear falling into the same temptation, the same trap as before. I wonder if you will still accept me and all my failings, continue to love me and let me serve.

As I ask for forgiveness, struggle to stay on the right path, you send someone, something to comfort me. A song, a book, a person, a word, an experience. You show your love in ways that rock me, astounds me, bring me to tears and cause me to thank and praise you with joy and relief.

You have not given up on me. You love me just as much as before. You have a plan for me and it hasn't changed. You have been with me all along and you treasure me still.

I feel loved, accepted, forgiven and for a time I follow without hindrance...

Why do people stray from your loving embrace? Why do other's not accept your grace? I don't understand, but I do know that I trust you. I trust your enduring love that never fades. I trust your forgiveness and your purpose in and for my life.

I am a sinner, Lord! Heal me and make me yours! I don't want to wander down that dark path anymore! Please help me to resist the things that tempt me! Do not leave your servent to wander! These things my soul cries in anguish...

And Jesus hears...and I am forgiven, loved, cherished, treasured, not forgotten, wrapped in warm arms that promise to never forsake me.....and my soul is given rest for a time.

Thank, Praise and Listen

2009-10-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

This post could actually be titled many things....Loving the Lord, The Danger of Lists, Three Steps to a Relationship with God....

I hope to address all of the subjects of these titles in this post.

I'd like to talk about lists first, both physical and mental. Lists that tell you how to be a good Christian and how to serve Christ are dangerous. Why?

Because they set you up for failure, become a chore and they are unrealistic.

When you can't check an item off your list you feel like you didn't accomplish something and that makes you feel like you failed. Feeling like you failed leads to wondering why you should even bother. If your list has reading your Bible and praying on it and you miss reading, then you may ask yourself; Why pray? You have already skipped one thing on your list. What's another?

Lists are made for chores, to remind you that you have to do something and usually in a certain order or a certain time. When you put things like reading your Bible, praying, witnessing, going to church, going to youth group, memorizing scripture or just talking to God on your list then those things becomes an obligation, a chore, a duty.

Many Christians fall into the traps of lists. We usually don't mean to, but in our constant struggle to be "better Chrisians" we make unrealistic goals for ourselves.

God doesn't want us to make lists. He doesn't want us to feel like failures or feel like being with Him is a chore. God loved us first and all He asks is that we love Him back!

How do you show someone you love them? Do you makes lists that you cross off everyday? Do you act like it is your duty to do things that make them happy? Find it hard to make time for them?

No. The act of loving them requires no list-making. You know what they like and can do it by heart. You don't need something to remind you or tell you to do it at a specific time. You enjoy doing things for them, it usually doesn't feel like a chore. You want to spend time with them, you might even give up doing something else to do so.

You show Jesus you love Him in the same way! Not from checking off a list, but from doing things you know will please Him.

Here are three things that you can do throughout the day for God. In doing these three very simple things you will find you also do the things like reading your Bible, praying and witnessing that you know you should do.

#1. Thank Him for everything good in your life. Even the little things. Just say a quick thank you for the things that make you happy, that are good because the Bible says that all good things come from God. If you thank Him for the things in your life, you will find that He will bless you with more, you will truly see how much He gives you just on a day-to-day basis and it will make you happier.

#2. Praise Him. Give God praise. This usually goes along with thanking, but even if you are not thanking, sing praise to Him. Marvel at His work. We liked to be praised for things we do, so does Christ.

#3. Listen to what your God has to say. Take the time to stop and really listen to the things the Lord has to tell you and then follow and obey what He says. Speak and listen to Jesus before you make a big decision, when you are in the shower (you only have your own thoughts anyway), before bed (I wouldn't recommend this if you go to bed late or fall asleep quickly), when you feel stressed or down, when you are excited about something or need advice. Just tell Him what is going on and then be silent. He will talk to you.

Some of you might ask how you will hear God. The answers are these. Either through someone else, a gut feeling or a small voice that sounds much like yours (your voice, but not your words). The Lord will always confirm what He tells you and anything He says will never contradict the Bible.

Now, thanking and praising will lead you to pray and in a way, thanking and praising are a form of prayer.

Praising and listening will lead you to witness because you will want to share your joy with others or your happiness will be noticed by people and they will ask about it. Also, if God speaks to you and tells you to witness to someone, if you are listening, you will.

Listening will lead you to reading your Bible. How? Well, say God tells you something and you need confirmation that it is truly from Him. You go to your Bible because you know that Christ's words will never go against that book.

Another reason is that He tells you to read about a certain subject or you want to know more about something. Maybe you will just feel the need to be closer to God and will want to read His words. In any case, listening will lead to Bible-reading.

God wants us to love Him. Not out of obligation or duty, but through our hearts, our creativity and our genuine desire to please Him. If we are not doing this, then we are not expressing love, just servitude.

Forgiveness and Prayer

2009-10-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

What is forgiveness? Is it a word? Maybe it is an action? Christ says both, but more of the latter.

God forgives us with unconditional love. He wipes away our sins and tell us that He doesn't even remember them. As humans we know this can be a hard thing to do, but Jesus calls us to do just that: forgive.

Our nature tells us to hold a grudge, to talk about a problem until we are sick of it, to make other's earn our forgiveness, to not let go entirely of past hurts, but God says this is wrong.

Forgiveness is a word, yes, but more so it is an action. Forgiveness shows up in our ability to let go of past wrongs and hurts, and move forward. It is how we treat the person that has hurt us wiht kindness, how we learn to trust again and not hold their mistakes against them.

It isn't always easy and I, for one, will tell you that it is ok to get some closure if that is what you need to help you forgive, but don't talk about a past wrong so much that it becomes impossible to let it go or to trust again.

We humans can't give unconditional love without help, which means that we can find it incredibly difficult to forgive without help. Jesus will be with us! Guiding us along. He doesn't want us to feel resentment or bitterness in our hearts.

If you ask Him, then He WILL give you the grace and the heart to forgive and let go. I have experienced this very recently and know it to be true.

If there is someone you need to forgive or something you need to ask forgiveness for, don't let anger and resentment fester in your heart. Go to God. He will help to relieve you of those heavy burdens and get you on your way to healing.

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Prayer.

How do you pray? Is it boring? Feel like you aren't getting through to God? Not getting answers? Don't even want to pray anymore because you feel you get nothing out of it?

Many people feel this way. You're not alone. I'm going to reassure you and tell you of some things about prayer you may not have known or need to be reminded of...

How do you pray? Is it boring? Not fun anymore? Feel like you aren't getting through to God?

Many churches and people will tell you that you have to pray in a certain way...they are so incredibly wrong!

Christ wants you to pray from your heart! He wants you to talk to him not just recite words! Prayer is not just words! It is communication with the Lord, it is an action that shows how much you need and love Jesus!

God wants you to talk to Him like He is sitting right in front of you. Jesus wants to be your friend. He wants you to tell him about your life, your fears, dreams, doubts, excitments. He wants to hear about the crush you have on the boy next door, the fear you feel over potentially losing your job, the sadness of a pet dying, getting accepted into that writing contest. He loves to hear the things going on in your life! He is your friend, your brother! He cares for you!

Talk to Him like you would a friend. Ask for His help freely! Thank Him for even the small things that don't seem like much, but are important to you! The thing doesn't have to be profound in order to thank Him. Praise Him when you are happy! Cry to Him when the world or life tears you down! He is there for you and He loves you!

There is no set way to pray. No person that can be closer to God then you through prayer. Yes, there are some people that excel in prayer because it is their calling, but Christ doesn't hear them anymore then He hears YOU.

Pray with your heart and you will find that prayer is never boring.

****

Not getting answers?

Are you listening? Truly listening, understanding and accepting that the answer might very well be "No" or "Wait"?

If not, then Christ will not be able to reach you. If your heart, ears and eyes are closed to an answer you will not like then how is your Savior supposed to talk to you?

Sometimes we ask things that we really don't want the answer to or we are afraid of the answer so we refuse to really listen. God knows this and will wait until we are truly seeking His will to give us a reply.

In other situations we feel we are not getting answers because we doupt what we have already been told. God may tell us "Yes", but if things don't happen right away when we expect them to, we begin to doupt it was really Christ we heard.

At times the answer is "Wait" or "Not now", and because it is not "Yes" or "No" we promptly believe we didn't hear correctly, if at all.

This is were we need to accept that the answer is not always going to be what we want or like, but if we truly want God's reply then we need to learn to listen willingly regardless of what He might say.

If someone comes to the Lord, truly seeking an answer with their hearts open, God will provide one.

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Jesus loves us and He wants us to forgive freely and pray freely. He has given us the tools to do so...it is our choice whether we will use them.

Loss and Hardships

2009-10-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Many of us, if not all, have experienced grief or loss. Whether it be in the form of a loved one's death, a friend moving away or the loss of a job. Maybe it's something smaller....a pet's death, a favorite toy lost, stress over paying the bills....sometimes it's bigger and scarier... your child has a disability and needs surgery, your house has been destroyed and you don't know what to do.....

All these things can enlist grief and loss as well as anger or depression. A sense of unfairness is usually at the heart of these issues.

We may wonder where God is in all this. Why doesn't He help us? Make things better? Does He care?

Let's adress the last question first, just because it's the easiest.

Of course God cares! He made us and He loves us! We have only to look at His offering of His only son, Jesus, to be sure of that. This is an easy thing to tell yourself, to logic and reason out in your mind, but sometimes it is hard to tell your heart. I understand this and so does Christ.

Even though it is difficult, know that our Father loves us and hurts when we suffer, both from our own decisions and from the world's cruelty.

Now the two-in-one question: "Why doesn't he help us and make things better?"

He does. Now hear me out on this one before you get all skeptical and click off this page.

God does help us when we go through difficult times. He just may not help us in the way we expect or want.

Sometimes Christ's work is obvious, you can't miss it, but most of the time, if you are not looking for the help you request from Jesus or God's work in your life, you miss it entirely. Why? Because we humans like a big show. We like things to entertain us and make us feel that we witnessed something amazing.

What we fail to realize, more often then not, is that the bill being paid through an unexpected bonus is one of Christ's miracles. A job coming through in a sucky economy is a miracle. A child making it through surgery is a miracle from Jesus.

We usually thank Him for these things, but we don't consider them to be the miracles that we expect. God works through our lives discreetly more often then He does dramatically. We need to learn to see the miracles and blessings that He gives us in our everyday lives and especially during hard times.

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God has a purpose in life for all of us. It may have to come around through unpleasant experiences, though. Humans sometimes don't understand this concept and many more don't like it, but it is true.

The Lord uses suffering and sadness to further His will and make us stronger. He knows what we can handle and the saying of "God won't give you more then you can handle." is wrong. He gives us much more then we can handle to encourage us to lean on Him in times of trouble.

Many of us often forget to do this. We need to start remembering both in the good times and the bad to trust Christ and depend on Him to meet our needs.

We need to continue to praise Christ even when things are rough because it is when we experience hardship that we need Him the most.

Free will and God

2009-09-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is a topic that has been debated and speculated on for centuries. Now I'm going to take a shot at it. Maybe my views are wrong, maybe they aren't. I don't know, but they are what help me get through my walk with Christ and maybe they will help you.

As a Christian, I believe that God is omniscient, but also that we have free will.

The way I can reason this out in my mind is this:

God knows the beginning and the end. He knows the present. He know exactly what you will do before you do it. He works even evil choices to His will. He sets things up so that when you make the wrong choice He can still use it to help others and help you.

Many would ask, "Well then how is it free will? God knows what you are going to do, so how is that us making our own decisions?"

The way I see it, God may know what we are going to do and He could change our desicion, but He doesn't. God knows our actions beforehand, but He doesn't reach in (even though He is quite capable in doing so) and dictate what we do, therefor, it is our decision.

People will still wonder, "But how is that free will when someone already knows what you will do and that someone made the world? How is it my choice? Aren't I just a puppet?"

No. You are not a puppet and this is why:

I'm going to give you an example. Jesus taught by stories and parables...I find it a useful thing and will probably be doing it a lot.

An author of a book knows the whole story of the book, right? What of the characters? Do they know the whole story? No. Do they know all about the world they live in? No. They have to find out for themselves as they travel through the pages made for them.

The author does not warn the characters of trials and choices ahead, he let's them live out the book. Just because he has foreknowledge of the story doesn't mean he controls the characters. It just means he knows something they don't.

God is the same way. He is the author. He made us, but He doesn't control us. We are the characters and the world is our story. We have to live it out as it comes to us, even if someone else already knows our decisions, we don't and so they are our decisions to make.

Our Creator doesn't reach into our lives and say "Don't make this choice because xyz will happen." No, He let's us make our mistakes and helps us pick up the pieces afterward. He turns our sorrow into good. He makes a bad decision work for His glory.

A great deal of authors will tell you (myself included) that a character starts out as an idea, but in the end they write themselves. I can put truth to that claim. Characters do tend to take twists and turns you didn't ever think they'd make.

We are like the characters. Our author, God, made us, but we start to write ourselves and make decisions in our story as we go on. The only difference between a mortal writer and God is that God knows the turns and twists His characters, us, will take, but we write ourselves.

This is my opinion on the matter. Take it, leave it, ignore, tell me I'm insane, agree with me....it is your choice and that is an awesome thing.

Do you know Jesus?

2009-09-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

Do you know about the personal Savior who died for you? Have you ever heard the name of Jesus Christ? Messiah? God's Only Son? Do you know why there are so many people who believe? Do you know what they believe or why? Did you ever wonder if you could believe?

If not then I entreat you to listen.

God loves you. He loves you so much that He gave His only son for you. Jesus became a man and died a horrible death that He didn't have to go through for you. He loves you so much that He suffered, took your sins upon Himself so that you might live and rose again three days later to give you visible hope of this life.

You might be wondering, "What do you mean 'live'? Christians die all the time and don't come back from the dead."

The kind of life Christ offers us is not physical in nature, but spiritual. Our souls can be saved from spiritual death and decay through the forgiveness and grace of Jesus.

Christ died on the cross, taking to Himself the sins of the entire world from start to finish. He provided a way to save us through His ressurection, but only we can make the choice to be saved or not.

This might sound far-fetched to you, but I know it is true. I am a living testament to it! I feel Jesus' presence in my life everyday! He talks to me and I see things come to pass in my life and in my family's lives that only He could have orchestrated!

Accepting Jesus' free gift of salvation is incredibly easy. It's so easy that it causes many to doubt that it can be true or that they have done it right. It is human nature to think or expect things to be more difficult then they are, but accepting Christ into your heart is truly easy once you get to the point where you want to believe. When you put aside doubts and look past the things that can never be explained through man-made views, it is amazing how uncomplicated Christ's salvatiuon is.

Faith and belief are the keys to accepting salvation. Belief is the thing that makes you carry an umbrella when the weatherman says it will rain. You believe it will rain. Faith is what you have when you go to bed at night and have plans made for the next day because you expect to wake up in the morning. You have faith that you will not die in your sleep.

You have to believe in the things you put your faith in. I believe that I am saved, therefor, I have Faith that Christ is real. Belief, Faith and Jesus go hand in hand.

One must have faith and belief to accept Christ. You have to believe that He died on the cross for you and rose again three days later. You have to believe that His death washed away your sins. You have to have faith that when you accept this gift of salvation that you are forgiven. You have to have faith that Jesus cares about you and helps you when He comes to live (spiritually as the Holy Spirit) in your heart.

While we are on the topic of Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, I'd like to explain something. Many people get confused by the Trinity, the three-in-one. They don't understand how God can be God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

I want to shed some light on it from a limited, unscholary point of view...basically...my own. :D

Think for a moment of a you (or imagine it is you). For example: You are a daughter, a sister and a mother. Each of these things takes little different parts of you to function.

#1 As the daughter you must be respectful to your parents. You are their child and while they may not control you, they have senority over you.

#2 As a sister you are an equal. You share, play, work and have a friendly relationship with your siblings.

#3 As a mother you are the boss. You are the authority over your children and you make the rules.

All of these things require that you be a bit different depending on which one you are 'being' at the moment....and yet just because you are playing with your kids and, therefor, a mother doesn't mean you are no longer a sister or a daughter.

Same with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

#1 God is the Father part of God. He is the one you must submit to, the authoritive figure in your life.

#2 Jesus is the Son part of God. He is your Savior, but also your brother and friend. He is the one that offers you salvation.

#3 The Holy Spirit is the guiding part of God. The Holy Spirit is the thing that empowers you with courage to do things for God. It is the thing that tell you when you are doing something that God does not like (don't get this confused with a conscience). It is the little voice that will whisper to you to help that person or to buy this and give it to that family. It is the thing that will tell you to pray and pray now! You will rarely understand why it tells you to do the things that it says, but you will find that even if you don't understand, it will NEVER steer you wrong.

God is all these things wrapped up in one, just as a girl can be a sister, a daughter and a mother all in one.

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I'd now like to walk you through the prayer of salvation. This is not something to pressure you or make you feel like you have to do anything. I certainly don't want to turn you away, but maybe, just maybe there is someone reading this that wants to accept Christ. Maybe this post spoke to them, maybe God has been trying to get their attention for some time and this is the breaking point.

Maybe someone just didn't know how to proceed, maybe the skeptic will write this off and then a month or even years later will come to want Jesus and remember this blog. Maybe the purpose of this post is just to plant seeds that have the potential to grow into more....I don't know, but I will walk through this prayer anyway for whatever reason(s) God has in mind for pressing it upon my heart.

I am going to put two prayer here in hopes that one might touch someone's heart...

"Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

"Dear Lord, I admit that I am a sinner. I have done many things that don’t please you. I have lived my life for myself. I am sorry and I repent. I ask you to forgive me. I believe that you died on the cross for me, to save me. You did what I could not do for myself. I come to you now and ask you to take control of my life, I give it to you. Help me to live every day in a way that pleases you. I love you, Lord, and I thank you that I will spend all eternity with you. Amen"

I want you to know that these two prayers are not the limit to what you can pray. If it is in your heart to say your own words then say them! There is no set way to pray and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.

All that is important in a prayer for salvation is:

#1 You express your need for a Savior.

#2 Admit that you are a sinner.

#3 You acknowledge that Jesus died for your sins on the cross, rose again three days later and can now dwell in your heart.

#4 You truly believe what you are praying.

These are the four things required in a prayer for forgiveness and salvation. The rest of the things in those two prayers I gave you may be true as well, but whether or not you pray it, is your choice.

As you can see, the acceptence for a Savior, Jesus, is easy once you let your fear of the unknown and skepticism go.

I hope that the things I have said here can lead others to Christ, for that is one of the passions the Lord has given me to serve him. I look forward to seeing new brothers and sisters in Jesus and I pray that God watch over you all.

Christians and unbelievers

2009-09-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Something I've noticed with relationships between some Christians and unbelievers, is that some Christians seem to think they are better then unbelievers and unbelievers feel uncomfortable around Christians.

What makes us think we are better then people who don't share our Faith? Is it because we choose to be forgiven and they refuse? Is it the fact that we think we are closer to God then they are? Do we just look down on them because we feel we can?

I think it is a combination of all these things and maybe a few more.

I'm going to tell you right now that this is the wrong attitude to have toward unbelievers. These are potential Christians! They are God's children! The ones we are trying to reach! Having an attitude or view of being better then them does not portray Christ-like behavor and it definitely doesn't show them the love of Jesus.

Here are a few of the reason (some I mentioned above) that we treat unbelievers badly and the reasons why we shouldn't.

"They refuse to become Christians!":

I understand how this can be frustrating. I have many friends like this myself. You do everything possible to encourage them, you sometimes argue with them, you love them, you pray for them, but they still refuse to believe.

Some are skeptical while others don't think they can believe or be forgiven. Some are just plain against it for no other reason then that it doesn't interest them.

Much as this makes us want to hit them over the head until they see sense, we have to remember two very important things:

No matter how much we love them, pray for them, encourage them, help them, try to make them see Christ's love, in the end.....it is their choice.

These four words are the ones that Evangelizing/Witnessing Christians hate the most (I know) because it takes the decision out of our hands. It shows that no matter how many seeds we may plant, only a few will grow. It is a hard thing to learn and an even harder one to accept.

It breaks our hearts every time we think "Oh, if only I cound make the decision for you!", but we can't make the choice for our friends.

The second thing...

We have to love them and try to reach them anyway.

It may seem to us that we accepted easily (and maybe some of us did), but to Christ, the little amount of time (to us) that He had to wait for us to come to Him was as frustrating and heartbreaking as it is for us to watch others do the same.

We all were unbelievers at one time or another. Some of us for a longer time then other Christians we know (I've been a Christian since I was little, but have friends who have only come to know the Lord within the last few years). Christ never gave up on us and we shouldn't give up on unbelievers.

Nor should we look down upon them because they have not accepted the gift we have. As my mom is fond of saying: "There, but for the grace of God, go you." This means that it is only through God's grace and forgiveness and understanding that we are saved. If we didn't have those things.....that person not saved could be us.

"We are closer to God!":

This is only partly true and here's why:

#1 We are closer to God in the fact that we have a personal relationship with Him.

That's it. That is the only reason that statement is true.

The reasons that this is not true are these:

#1 God says nothing about being closer to Christians then unbelievers.

#2 He says nothing about only watching over those who have accepted Him. God watches over everyone, even if they don't acknowledge Him.

#3 God can communicate to unbelievers. Whether they believe it is Him or not doesn't matter.

#4 God loves all of us equally and desires each of us to be His equally.

We are not closer to Christ then unbelievers. We have just chosen to see how close He is to us. This does not mean that He is far from those who have chosen not to see.

"We are Christians so we can look down upon them because they are not."

Yes, you CAN, but does that mean you SHOULD?

Jesus doesn't think so! He loves ALL of his children.

Do any of us think we are modelling Christ-like behavor when we look down on unbelievers? Did the Lord look down on sinners? NO! He kept company with them! They were the people He hung out with! It wasn't the believers or the people who followed the law ~ It was the sinners, the outcasts, the people that no one else liked.

And you know the incredible thing about this fact (as if it wasn't cool enough)? All of these people felt COMFORTABLE with Jesus! They liked being around Him even though they didn't (at first) believe. They enjoyed His company despite His teachings/beliefs and even because of them and the way they made Him behave.

When unbelievers are with you are they uncomfortable? Eager to get away? Unresponsive to the point of being bored? Easily angered or irritated? If so, then you are not being like Jesus.

His friends (believers or not) were happy to be with Him and were interested in what He had to say. He in turn sought their company out among all others.

This is what we should be like. Unbelievers should feel safe enough with us to ask questions and be curious without fear of being judged because they are not ready to make a committing decision. We in turn should feel blessed and privileged to share what we know and love them as Christ shared with and loved us.

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I guess it all comes down to a very simple rule that I think we all know in one form or another.

"Treat others the way you want to be treated."

Now, I'd like to Christianize it:

"Treat others the way Christ treats you."

Stick to either variation of this rule and you will find, that in having relationships with unbelievers, you can't go wrong.

Troubled?

2009-09-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that you weren't saved because of something you did or how you behaved? Or maybe you just don't feel a fire for God anymore and you feel you aren't giving Him your all?

Perhaps you just don't feel worthy of Christ's love.

Jesus and I are going to tell you differently!

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Not Feeling Fire Or Passion For God:

I have gone through the EXACT same thing.....frequently. I stop reading my Bible, talking to people who talk about God and even stop talking to God.

What I've learned and what people have told me is this: Even when you don't feel like it, seek Christ. Read the Bible. Talk to people who are further in their walk with God then you are. Find things about being a Christian that you truly ENJOY and do those things.

I know that it is difficult. Boy, do I know! But being close to God and doing what He says is worth the struggle.

It's ok to have downtime in passion for Jesus. We are human. We can't keep up the level of emotion to be 'on fire' all the time.

Think of it as marriage. The wedding and honeymoon are the stage of passion, same as when you first come to Christ and when you are learning about Him. The second stage is the marriage years. The passion slows down. It's still there, but not always as apparent. You are still in love with your spouse, just not 'on fire' for them all the time.

Same with God.

As you mature in your relationship with Him, you will find that you are still in love with Jesus, but you might not always experience that zeal that you had when you first came to Him. Not all Christians are like this, but most are.

Don't get me wrong: There will be times when you are so wrapped up and enjoying Christ that you will feel like flying. I'm not saying to fire is gone for good! Not even close!

Some people will tell you this is wrong, that you can't serve Jesus effectively without having passion in what you are doing for Him. I say they are wrong!

If you are trying to serve Jesus, but still don't feel any zeal, that's ok. God knows your heart and He knows that you are trying to love and obey Him. That is enough for Him and it should be enough for anyone else that claims to love Him.

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Not Feeling Close To God:

I think that most Christians feel this way.

I can assure you that I do all the time.

I feel close to God for a time and then it's like life or people distract me and I drift away again. I don't always drift far, just enough to feel that I'm not giving Christ my all anymore and that I'm not with Him.

The only thing that I've learned to do is when you realize you've strayed again (even just a little) is take some time to be with Jesus. To let him know that you are sorry for wandering and ask Him to give you a heart to serve Him.

Honestly, I won't lie, it can take great effort to do so and you might not always feel sincere or that God is even listening, but He is and in the end, it does help.

God says that He is never far from us and will never desert us! Even if we feel that He is not there, He is and these are His promises:

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." (James 4:7-8)

"God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."" (Hebrews 13:5)

"All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. . . ..And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day." (John 6:37 and 39)

"I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." (John 10:28-29)

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Feeling You Are Not Saved Because Of How You Act Or Think:

This is not true!

I want you to listen and I mean really listen with your heart for a moment.

Jesus loves you and if you have sincerely accepted Him into your heart and have asked Him to forgive and save you, then your ARE saved. Christ says so!

"That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." (Romans 10:9)

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him." (1 John 5:1)

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

You will still sin (badly sometimes), but everyone does. I do! Christ forgives you. Nothing can seperate you from Him if you have accepted Him.

As for feeling you aren't doing anything for God and, therefor, cannot be truly saved?

I will tell you this: I haven't been bearing any fruit for Christ for about 17 years, but I'm still God's. I am just now coming out of the box I've put myself in and Christ hasn't accused me of not bearing fruit for Him. He uses us in HIS perfect time....even if it doesn't make sense to us.

As Christians we are called to change for God, yes. We are called to repent of our sins, yes. But the Bible says NOTHING about us being perfect and 'magically' doing everything right once we accept Jesus into our lives.

I don't. I sin all the time and I don't always feel sorry for it either. I know I should, but I don't. God knows this and He waits for me to truly start seeking His forgiveness again after I stray and He forgives me when I return. It doesn't matter how long I've been gone or how bad I've messed up ~ He's there to welcome me back with open arms.

Same as He does for me, I KNOW He will do for you! We are His CHILDREN! He LOVES us and He will never let us go, no matter how badly we hurt Him through our actions. He will forgive us wholeheartedly and help us get back on the path He intended for us.

Jesus wants you to live for Him and you can! He will help you do so if you let Him. Tell Satan to get the hell out of your life! He wants you to look at yourself as unworthy of God's love....and the truth is...you aren't worthy, but NOT TO CHRIST! To Jesus you are more then worth the price He paid for you! Never forget that!

God wants to robe you with a new garment of rightousness. He is new wine and you are the new wine-skin because of Him. Jesus has given you a chance to be someone new for Him and even though it may take you some time to get used to this and adjust, it WILL happen and Christ will be waiting patiently, helping to guide you with every step.

Heaven

2009-09-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

To most it is just a word or a fantastic idea. Even to some Christians.

Most of us who believe think about it in passing, but don't pay much heed to it in our daily lives or we do, but only as a distant place that we don't really yet believe we will get to.

It is only rarely that it truly hits us that Heaven is REAL. We stop rushing about in our busy, hectic and cluttered lives and really ponder on the fact that we will get to Heaven one day. We will meet our Savior face-to-face and we WILL spend ETERNITY with CHRIST in HEAVEN!

Today I paused and it truly hit me for a moment: I will live for eternity with Jesus. I will honestly admit that it is an extremely difficult idea to wrap the mind around. I can't, but I can enjoy the pleasure of trying to and knowing that anything I come up with will be a hundred-thousand times better in Heaven. Then I have trouble wrapping my mind around that fact as well!

The point of this post? To draw people's attention to the fact that we have an incredible reward waiting for us and it's not something that is is unattainable! It is close and real.

We have a reward that offers total relief from pain, sorrowful tears, sin, anger, insomnia, eating disorders, abuse, doubt, drunkeness, cutting, loneliness, hurts, rape, depression and even death.

All tears (pain) will be dried and wiped away in Heaven! All troubles gone and the best part is that we will be continually in the presence of Jesus!

Have you thought of Heaven lately? About the day we will be with Christ? Maybe about sharing this privilege with others by telling them about the good news - That Christ died for them and loves them and wants them for His own?

If not, then do so! The time is close and there is no better time then now to be rejoicing that our Savior is so near!

Hello!

2009-09-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my blog...not much to it yet, but here's hoping that it gets better with time. LOL

My name is Kaisaan (yes, I'm staying anonymous). I'm an almost 18 year old white female and I've been a Born Again Christian since I was little.

The point of this blog is going to be sharing the love of Christ. Period. You will not be hearing about my daily life unless it pertains to Jesus.

I want this blog to express God's love to others. I want to be able to answer any questions one might ask me (to the best of my ability) about Christ and I want to be able to lead others to Jesus.

Most of these post will be my view on Christianity (since I don't have anyone else's) and sometimes that view will be good and other times you will see that my Faith is lacking.

All Christians have their ups and downs and I am no exception, but I want to be able to help others through my trials and my blessings.

God has told me to make this blog for His glory and that is exactly what I will be trying to do: glorify Him.

*Musings of a Christian Teen*