This post shall be slightly random and does not contain sunshine and rainbows nor any type of answers or encouragement. You have been warned.
Lately God has been trying to hammer into my stubborn head that I don't need to understand everything. I don't need to understand why my five year old brother is dying. I don't need to understand why God isn't healing him. I don't need to understand why my eighteen year old brother has found 'the one' and I haven't (though, I guess that's not important at the moment since I wouldn't be able to pursue anything right now anyway AND God HAS made it clear that I need to get my relationship straight with Him before He will bring me MY future husband....I have a feeling I won't be meeting this man anytime soon). I don't need to know why life is unfair or why bad things happen.
I don't need to know, but boy, would I sure like to.
It's in times like these where I have to wonder if my own failings (and believe me, right now I am all over the place in a crappy way) are hindering God in any way. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that *I* could possibly affect what Christ can and cannot do, but it sure feels like perhaps He isn't reaching down and doing more for my brother because I am so far away from Him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel and I can admit to that insecurity.
Everyone around me keeps saying to lean into God and that I am strong for being able to function through life right now. They say so many nice things and I feel like a fraud. I am NOT strong, people! It's called faking a smile so I don't have to answer a thousand questions and fall apart on you! It's called not knowing what to say because, to be truthful, I don't have the first dang clue what is going on either!
And I am not leaning into God. I know it may look that way, but right now, God and I are barely speaking....or I am not speaking to Him. I am not sure if I am angry at Him or ashamed to come back since I can't seem to stay out of trouble (my own personal demons) for very long. I just end up doing the same sin over and over again and the more I apologize and ask for help, the more fake and hollow I feel. Yeah, perhaps it is just shame.
No...no, I am angry, too. I am angry that my family has to deal with this crap when we've gone through so much already. I am mad at the thought of losing my youngest brother. I don't WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES!!! I don't want to be a sister who's lost a brother for medical reasons. I don't want my family to suffer through that! Why can't the Lord just HEAL my brother?!
So, yeah, I'm not talking to God much these days...and yet, I know He is trying to get my attention. A song will come on the radio. Someone will say something. I'll read a Facebook update. My hands will simply type out what I am feeling and suddenly I have an answer glaring at me on the computer screen, in my own words....or maybe not MY words at all.
I know the Lord wants me to turn back to Him. I know this and part of me wants to, but another part of me is so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of not understanding how to rely on God's strength...or is it that I have to use my own strength and He will pick up the slack? I don't even know anymore and I am too tired to try and puzzle it out. I am tired of nothing going right anymore. If it can go wrong, it will.
Do you know that I feel more like a mother now than I ever have before? That's right, my own mom has been gone more often than she's been home for the last 5 or 6 months. The adoption (something I don't regret, though, it has been difficult) started it and then everything seemed to go downhill from there, almost like my family was being punished for doing what God told us to do. Ironic, I know.
Then it was my brother no longer maintaining his stable status, landing him in the hospital 25o miles away. At this point one of my adopted sisters decided now was the time for HER to tank as well and go to the hospital, too. After that it has been touch and go with the hospital 45 minutes away and the one 4 hours away as both my adopted sister and my youngest brother have refused to be FINE at the same time.
Now it is just my brother, but that's even worse seeing as how the only reason he's in the hospital is because we can't manage his pain at home and no one can just FIX him. No one but God and He doesn't seem to be doing much in that department for reasons I don't understand.
And that's what it comes down to, huh? I don't understand and I guess I really don't need to because God IS in control. I know He is. My faith isn't shaken on that. I am just no longer interested in the destination He has in mind at this point because all I see are gray skies and a heck of a lot of rain. Just let me know when it decides to flood.
Psalm 42 You and King David, the psalmist, have a lot in common. HUGS
ReplyDeleteAll I dare to say is nothing. This is your pain. This is your wrestle. Anything I could possibly say would sound trite or stupid or wouldn't be anything you don't already know...
ReplyDeleteBut He has many praying for you and we love you.
Many hugs little sis.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteMore than mere words could ever possibly express.
My heart hurts so badly over my being gone with either (or both) J or B being in the hospital so often. It's been insane. I'm sincerely sorry. I know you don't blame me specifically since it's not my choice to be gone, but still.... I'm the mom, not you, & I hate that you're forced into the role by default. This is NOT what I had envisioned for your life as a 19 year old. At. All.
I have no answers, either, but I DO know that your closeness or lack thereof to God has absolutely zero bearing on what happens to Joshua. You are not responsible for whether or not your brother gets healed on earth. I know you know it, but I feel I needed to say the words.
Again, I love you. Tremendously. And ya know, I am so proud of your forthrightness, your honesty & your willingness to call a spade a spade. Through all of this crap, you remain YOU and that, dearest Kaisaan, is a wonderful thing. I have the utmost faith that one day you will realize it, too. :)
Love,
Mom
Hey Sis,
ReplyDeleteI'll bet I'm the last person you expected to come onto your blog and post a response, huh? But then, God has us all do things that are so simple they seem profound at times. Ya know?
You know what I can say about this post, Kaisaan? What I can see flowing from each and every word, sentence, and paragraph?
It is simply this: Honesty. Truthfulness. The fact that you are NOT ashamed to bear your heart, soul, and spirit for the world to see. And that, my sister, is something that is truly powerful and is what makes you such a great daughter of Christ. Not in your ability to never sin (for ALL have sinned & fall short of God's glory), but your ability to tell it like it is. Like mom said, "Calling a spade a spade."
You don't sugar coat it, deep fry it, or smother it in chocolate. You stand up and pronounce to the world: "I am pissed off. And you know why? Because of x, y, & z!"
That said, I must focus on your overall post now.
You'd be very surprised to learn that I face many of the same emotions you face right now, Sis. No, it's true. I face many of the confusion and the bit of anger you have right now. I'll be completely honest, mine is spread more out over various things in this life (such as salvation, marriage, education, etc.). But I still am standing there right beside you. Looking up to the heavens and crying out to God: "Why? ... Why won't you heal Joshua? Why do things have to be this way? Will he have a long life? Will he have a short life? I know you're in control, but why do things have to be THIS way?"
ReplyDeleteAnd just like you, I find myself facing only dead silence. Except for when a song plays that tugs at the strings in my heart. Or a verse pops up and stabs my spirit dead center. Piercing and dividing even my marrow asunder...
I feel your pain Megan, even if it's just a portion of it. And I want you to know that you are not alone in your emotions or thoughts in this life.
You are a strong Believer, whether you see it or not Megan, it's the truth. I see it, mom sees it, dad sees it, and even the children can see it. I know you are battling the 'thorns in your flesh' & that you feel no communication with Christ, but the Lord is still there for you (as you have confirmed by declaring that He gives you scripture, encouragement through music, & speaks to you through what you type). Do you have your bad days? Of course. But then, who doesn't! I have them all the time... I'm lazy, I sin, I fall short... But I've learned something with Christ through these past few minutes, Megan. Simply put, it is this: The race is not determined by how many times you stumble and fall. It is determined by your decision to grab a hold of Christ's hand, dust yourself off, and continuing to run the race that 'Has been set before you.'
I know that you long for your Solomon, Isaac, & Jacob. The Lord sees this better than I myself truly can. He knows your heart and sees what you long for most in this world. And you know something? He wants to bless you with the gift of a groom, of a lifelong companion. He just knows that there are certain things that MUST happen before that can happen (as you've explained earlier). But this is in NO way a 'do this, or you don't get that' sort of deal. Christ does not bribe, manipulate, or control His children. He commands their obedience and wants their devotion. But if they turn their backs on Him, He will continue to chase after them and strive to bring them back. In the end though, free-will & their heart determines the outcome of that persons future.
I have no doubt that the Lord is planning an amazing and loving husband for you, my sister. A Christ-like husband whom serves Him greatly. Fearing and reverencing the Lord's name wherever he goes in this life.. I promise you, we will NOT stop or hinder our prayers that the Lord will bring you and your husband together ~ and soon, we will pray...
ReplyDelete~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I love you so much, Megan... I know that I do not say those three words often enough in this life. But I want you to know, I do love you. More than I think you'll ever truly know.. Mainly because I can never fully put into words how greatly I love you. You are an amazing young woman of Christ ~ even if you do feel the exact opposite. Christ has big plans for you my sister. You can rest assured that I won't stop praying (or pestering you) for Him to bring them to pass in this life ~ through His perfect Spirit.
I love you so much my truthful and honest sister. I love it that you speak from your heart and that you are still open to God. You are a lot like David, just as that person said above. He went through many hardships in this life just the same as yourself. But I have no doubt that, just as David, you will persevere and get through these heartaches with God. =)
I love you so much my sister of Christ. It's a blessing and an honor to be in the presence of our Father with you in this life. Mom is right, you have remained you through everything that has happened in this life through the years. And I for one have no doubt that you will always remain you ~ perfect, exquisite, flawless, one-of-a-kind you. Don't ever change, Megan. If you do, you won't be perfect for your husband anymore.
I will continue to pray for you. No matter what, know that I am always here if you need someone to talk to and even a shoulder to cry on... We are brother & sister for a reason... I'm always here for you with God. I promise.
=)
Love,
Adam