Why is it when you feel like crap or you're sad, you do the one thing that is going to make you hate yourself even more?
And what happens when you reach a point where you DO hate yourself and you don't want to go down the road again...but you've given up hope that you will ever be free of these chains about you?
How do you escape? How do you forgive yourself?
I know Jesus is the answer. I just wish I understood how to apply Him or His strength or mercy or salvation or whatever it is that is supposed to help to the situation.
Or is it that I am not supposed to do anything and just let Him take over? And if this is so, how do I simply surrender without picking up the burden again?
I wish I had the answers. I wish I didn't hate myself.
And no, I didn't write this to get sympathy or attention. I wrote it because I need to face what I am becoming. It's about time I did.
Please pray for me.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Do You Ever...
Do you ever feel such happiness you don't know how to express it.....but at the same time you're incredibly sad?
Do you ever feel greatly needed.....but invisible as well?
Do ever feel like you are were you are meant to be.....but like you need to be somewhere else, too?
Do you ever feel like a giant knot, unable to untie yourself, not knowing where to start? You probably have felt this way at one point or another. Maybe you, whoever you are, feel this way right now. Well, you aren't alone. I feel this way, too.
I think as Christians, we are pretty much destined to feel this way at some time or another. Why? Well, I think it reminds us that this isn't where we belong. This world....it's not our home and we are never going to feel content in it. Or at least we shouldn't. I think these confusing fluctuation of feelings is one of God's ways of drawing us closer to Him. It is a way to yank us out of our safe little bubbles and make us face reality.
No one likes to face reality. I certainly don't. Reality is painful. Reality is ugly. Reality demands that you change or conform and as Christians, we are called to resist and change. Change hurts. Change takes work. I think we all could use some change.
Believe me, I don't want to tackle the effort change takes whether it be spiritual change, mental change or physical change. It's work and it's hard. You're going to stumble so many times you might as well give up on being clean. You're going to curse yourself and you're going to wonder what the point in all this is, whether it is worth it.
I ask myself these questions every single day. Every day. Often many times a day and most often I look at my progress, or lack thereof, and feel despair. I can't say that I have ever truly gotten past a lot of my personal demons. I can't say that I find change easy or that I am a good Christian who pushes forward and blesses the Lord as she does so. I can't claim any of that.
But I wish I could. I think it is that desire, the desire to be the person we'd LIKE to be, the person we want others to see, that keeps us going a lot of the times, that makes us want to change. I also think it is only along the way that we change our mindset to just wanting to be what God wants us to be regardless of what everyone else sees. I don't know if this is the right motivational factor to be changing for, but...I know a lot of people do it.
Once again, I don't know the purpose of this post. I think I just needed to mind-dump at the moment. Lucky you! LOL
Seriously, I don't know what my point was. Sorry for rambling.
Do you ever feel greatly needed.....but invisible as well?
Do ever feel like you are were you are meant to be.....but like you need to be somewhere else, too?
Do you ever feel like a giant knot, unable to untie yourself, not knowing where to start? You probably have felt this way at one point or another. Maybe you, whoever you are, feel this way right now. Well, you aren't alone. I feel this way, too.
I think as Christians, we are pretty much destined to feel this way at some time or another. Why? Well, I think it reminds us that this isn't where we belong. This world....it's not our home and we are never going to feel content in it. Or at least we shouldn't. I think these confusing fluctuation of feelings is one of God's ways of drawing us closer to Him. It is a way to yank us out of our safe little bubbles and make us face reality.
No one likes to face reality. I certainly don't. Reality is painful. Reality is ugly. Reality demands that you change or conform and as Christians, we are called to resist and change. Change hurts. Change takes work. I think we all could use some change.
Believe me, I don't want to tackle the effort change takes whether it be spiritual change, mental change or physical change. It's work and it's hard. You're going to stumble so many times you might as well give up on being clean. You're going to curse yourself and you're going to wonder what the point in all this is, whether it is worth it.
I ask myself these questions every single day. Every day. Often many times a day and most often I look at my progress, or lack thereof, and feel despair. I can't say that I have ever truly gotten past a lot of my personal demons. I can't say that I find change easy or that I am a good Christian who pushes forward and blesses the Lord as she does so. I can't claim any of that.
But I wish I could. I think it is that desire, the desire to be the person we'd LIKE to be, the person we want others to see, that keeps us going a lot of the times, that makes us want to change. I also think it is only along the way that we change our mindset to just wanting to be what God wants us to be regardless of what everyone else sees. I don't know if this is the right motivational factor to be changing for, but...I know a lot of people do it.
Once again, I don't know the purpose of this post. I think I just needed to mind-dump at the moment. Lucky you! LOL
Seriously, I don't know what my point was. Sorry for rambling.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Hard
It's hard to trust God sometimes. It's easy to trust God sometimes. It's never easy to tell when you will trust God and when you will struggle to, though.
In the last few months, I have both doubted God and trusted Him explicitly. That doesn't surprise me. What does is the circumstances that prompted these responses.
A person would think that I would be able to trust God with my relationships, but I will be truthful and say I struggle immensely with that. I struggle with letting go of my own fears and doubts, my faults and desires and just letting Christ work out HIS will in my life. I want to control things. I want them to make sense. I want to know when something is going to happen.
I hate being patient. I hate feeling useless or like I am not moving forward. And yet, at the same time I am scared of change. Funny combination, huh?
I am finding that I can't keep doing this, though. I need to let go. I need to trust that my Creator knows the better paths for my life than I do. It's something I struggle with daily and I personally have to wonder why that is when I have so many other more important things to worry about.
One would think that a person would struggle to trust the Lord when crap hits the fan, when they are surrounded by darkness and cannot see. One would think a person would question God at that time, question His faithfulness and love.
I know people who have done this and I know people who have not. It amazes me that I am one of those who has not lost faith, who has not doubted that God's plan is perfect when it comes to a crisis and that He DOES love me and those close to me when everything seems to be going wrong. That He cares and has everything under control when there seems to be no clear plan and life feels like it is spinning out of control.
My brother is dying. Every day he slips a little bit further away. Every day I see him going a little further downhill. I see him lose another skill monthly. I see him struggle to breathe. I see his heart-rate go down alarmingly and then higher than it should. I have seen him go into Accute Respiratory Failure. I have seen him stop breathing. I have heard him crying in pain we could not get under control and vomiting his guts out for hours and hours on end. I have seen all these horrors affect a five year old...and yet I still do not doubt the Lord My God.
I don't know why. Logically I know I should be raving at God. I should be questioning His very existence or at least questioning His mercy and love, His plan, especially since I hate not being in control. But I don't. In my spirit, in my heart and even my mind, I know Christ is with me and my family. I know He is moving in our lives. I know He cares. I know He doesn't want my brother to suffer anymore than we do. I know His heart breaks for each trial, each pain and tear we shed. And I know that He has a plan even if I don't understand it in any way, shape or form.
I know that I know that I know God is in my life. I can't say I always feel Him, but somehow He shows me in small ways and big that He's still here, still with me, still grieving as I grieve and still working His will despite my lack of understanding and sometimes acceptance.
I can't understand why I haven't given up on God yet. I never thought I had this kind of faith, this kind of strength..and maybe *I* don't. Maybe it is the grace of God giving me these things, calming my heart even as it breaks.
In the last few months, I have both doubted God and trusted Him explicitly. That doesn't surprise me. What does is the circumstances that prompted these responses.
A person would think that I would be able to trust God with my relationships, but I will be truthful and say I struggle immensely with that. I struggle with letting go of my own fears and doubts, my faults and desires and just letting Christ work out HIS will in my life. I want to control things. I want them to make sense. I want to know when something is going to happen.
I hate being patient. I hate feeling useless or like I am not moving forward. And yet, at the same time I am scared of change. Funny combination, huh?
I am finding that I can't keep doing this, though. I need to let go. I need to trust that my Creator knows the better paths for my life than I do. It's something I struggle with daily and I personally have to wonder why that is when I have so many other more important things to worry about.
One would think that a person would struggle to trust the Lord when crap hits the fan, when they are surrounded by darkness and cannot see. One would think a person would question God at that time, question His faithfulness and love.
I know people who have done this and I know people who have not. It amazes me that I am one of those who has not lost faith, who has not doubted that God's plan is perfect when it comes to a crisis and that He DOES love me and those close to me when everything seems to be going wrong. That He cares and has everything under control when there seems to be no clear plan and life feels like it is spinning out of control.
My brother is dying. Every day he slips a little bit further away. Every day I see him going a little further downhill. I see him lose another skill monthly. I see him struggle to breathe. I see his heart-rate go down alarmingly and then higher than it should. I have seen him go into Accute Respiratory Failure. I have seen him stop breathing. I have heard him crying in pain we could not get under control and vomiting his guts out for hours and hours on end. I have seen all these horrors affect a five year old...and yet I still do not doubt the Lord My God.
I don't know why. Logically I know I should be raving at God. I should be questioning His very existence or at least questioning His mercy and love, His plan, especially since I hate not being in control. But I don't. In my spirit, in my heart and even my mind, I know Christ is with me and my family. I know He is moving in our lives. I know He cares. I know He doesn't want my brother to suffer anymore than we do. I know His heart breaks for each trial, each pain and tear we shed. And I know that He has a plan even if I don't understand it in any way, shape or form.
I know that I know that I know God is in my life. I can't say I always feel Him, but somehow He shows me in small ways and big that He's still here, still with me, still grieving as I grieve and still working His will despite my lack of understanding and sometimes acceptance.
I can't understand why I haven't given up on God yet. I never thought I had this kind of faith, this kind of strength..and maybe *I* don't. Maybe it is the grace of God giving me these things, calming my heart even as it breaks.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Grief
Warning: This post is depressing...and yet, also hopeful in a way. I am very sad today and these poems reflect that sadness - and some anger that I feel (even if my baby brother is not yet dead and even if some of these poems are not meant to be a from a sister to a brother).
In Memoriam
With you a part of me hath passed away;
For in the peopled forest of my mind
A tree made leafless by this wintry wind
Shall never don again its green array.
Chapel and fireside, country road and bay,
Have something of their friendliness resigned;
Another, if I would, I could not find,
And I am grown much older in a day.
But yet I treasure in my memory
Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease,
And the dear honour of your amity;
For these once mine, my life is rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be,--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me.
~ George Santayana
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Time does not bring relief
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)
------------------------------------------------------------
A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.
------------------------------------------------------
Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Memoriam
With you a part of me hath passed away;
For in the peopled forest of my mind
A tree made leafless by this wintry wind
Shall never don again its green array.
Chapel and fireside, country road and bay,
Have something of their friendliness resigned;
Another, if I would, I could not find,
And I am grown much older in a day.
But yet I treasure in my memory
Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease,
And the dear honour of your amity;
For these once mine, my life is rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be,--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me.
~ George Santayana
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Time does not bring relief
Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)
------------------------------------------------------------
A Little boy
A special friend
A little fighter
Right to the end.
Gone from our lives
But not from our hearts
We'll keep you there always
Like we have from the start.
------------------------------------------------------
Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend, today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.
You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?
You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my baby,
Who's life was much too brief.
I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.
Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
but one I'm forced to take.
No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.
written by Gwen Flowers
for her angels Hannah, Skylar, and Jordan.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.
~~~~Unknown~~~~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We little knew that morning that God
Was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone;
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
Your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us, one by one,
The Chain will link again.
Author unknown
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
4And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.
5And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.
6But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.
7For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.
8For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
9And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.
10I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.
11For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Ever Wonder?
Have you ever wondered what it's like to die?
Weird question, I know, but I can't help but think of it every now and again. I wonder what it will be like. Will we not know what is happening to us or will we go straight to Heaven? Will we simply sleep for a but a 'moment' and then wake or be able to see what is going on with the earth? I don't know the answers, but it sure makes me curious.
To be honest, I hope I either die very soon or Christ comes back. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT suicidal, but it sure would be nice to not have to deal with the crap of this world anymore, know what I mean?
Really, though, what is your view on death?
Me, I'm not afraid of it for starters. I mean, I don't like the thought of dying painfully (who does?), but I am not afraid of death itself. I would like to die as pain-free as possible, thank you very much, but dying....it would certainly be a relief in a LOT of ways. I would get to be with Jesus. I wouldn't have to worry about sins or grief.
Especially grief. I am looking forward to never having to feel fear or grief again.
You might wanna know where I am going with this post or perhaps wanting to know of some great insight I have discovered about this topic...well, you are going to be sorely disappointed. I don't really have a point or even wisdom to impart. I have just been thinking about death lately.
Why does the thought of my brothers, my sisters, my mother or my father dying fill me with such fear and sadness, but the thought of my own death I almost welcome? I know one wants to leave their loved ones behind to suffer, but is one supposed to be fine with their own end and maybe even looking forward to it?
*shrugs* I don't know. Maybe I am just being weird. That wouldn't be *too* shocking. *grins*
Anyway, pay no attention to little ol' me. I am being random, have no point to make and I don't see how this post is going to help anyone...but, oh well! I needed to write it anyway if only to get the thought out on paper....I suppose that habit comes with being a writer...
Novaer!
Weird question, I know, but I can't help but think of it every now and again. I wonder what it will be like. Will we not know what is happening to us or will we go straight to Heaven? Will we simply sleep for a but a 'moment' and then wake or be able to see what is going on with the earth? I don't know the answers, but it sure makes me curious.
To be honest, I hope I either die very soon or Christ comes back. Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT suicidal, but it sure would be nice to not have to deal with the crap of this world anymore, know what I mean?
Really, though, what is your view on death?
Me, I'm not afraid of it for starters. I mean, I don't like the thought of dying painfully (who does?), but I am not afraid of death itself. I would like to die as pain-free as possible, thank you very much, but dying....it would certainly be a relief in a LOT of ways. I would get to be with Jesus. I wouldn't have to worry about sins or grief.
Especially grief. I am looking forward to never having to feel fear or grief again.
You might wanna know where I am going with this post or perhaps wanting to know of some great insight I have discovered about this topic...well, you are going to be sorely disappointed. I don't really have a point or even wisdom to impart. I have just been thinking about death lately.
Why does the thought of my brothers, my sisters, my mother or my father dying fill me with such fear and sadness, but the thought of my own death I almost welcome? I know one wants to leave their loved ones behind to suffer, but is one supposed to be fine with their own end and maybe even looking forward to it?
*shrugs* I don't know. Maybe I am just being weird. That wouldn't be *too* shocking. *grins*
Anyway, pay no attention to little ol' me. I am being random, have no point to make and I don't see how this post is going to help anyone...but, oh well! I needed to write it anyway if only to get the thought out on paper....I suppose that habit comes with being a writer...
Novaer!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Psalms
~ Psalm 25 ~
To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.
Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
For Your name’s sake, O LORD,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
Who is the man that fears the LORD?
Him shall He teach in the way He chooses.
He himself shall dwell in prosperity,
And his descendants shall inherit the earth.
The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him,
And He will show them His covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the LORD,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain,
And forgive all my sins.
Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all their troubles!
~ Psalm 31 ~
In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily:
be thou my strong rock, for a house of defense to save me.
For thou art my rock and my fortress;
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.
To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.
Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
For Your name’s sake, O LORD,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
Who is the man that fears the LORD?
Him shall He teach in the way He chooses.
He himself shall dwell in prosperity,
And his descendants shall inherit the earth.
The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him,
And He will show them His covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the LORD,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and my pain,
And forgive all my sins.
Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all their troubles!
~ Psalm 31 ~
In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness.
Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily:
be thou my strong rock, for a house of defense to save me.
For thou art my rock and my fortress;
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.
Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength.
Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.
I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.
Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength fails because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbors, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me. I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.
But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God. My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me. Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies' sake. Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave. Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.
Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvelous kindness in a strong city. For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heard the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserves the faithful, and plentifully rewards the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
~ Psalm 39 ~
I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me. I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred. My heart was hot within me, while I was musing the fire burned: then spake I with my tongue, LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is: that I may know how frail I am.
Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before thee: verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity. Selah. Surely every man walketh in a vain shew: surely they are disquieted in vain: he heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them.
And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope is in thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions: make me not the reproach of the foolish. I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it. Remove thy stroke away from me: I am consumed by the blow of thine hand.
When thou with rebukes dost correct man for iniquity, thou makest his beauty to consume away like a moth: surely every man is vanity. Selah. Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.
O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more.
~ Psalm 51 ~
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shaped in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
~ Psalm 148 ~
Praise ye the LORD. Praise ye the LORD from the heavens: praise him in the heights. Praise ye him, all his angels: praise ye him, all his hosts. Praise ye him, sun and moon: praise him, all ye stars of light. Praise him, ye heavens of heavens, and ye waters that be above the heavens. Let them praise the name of the LORD: for he commanded, and they were created.
He hath also established them for ever and ever: he hath made a decree which shall not pass. Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps: Fire, and hail; snow, and vapours; stormy wind fulfilling his word: Mountains, and all hills; fruitful trees, and all cedars: Beasts, and all cattle; creeping things, and flying fowl: Kings of the earth, and all people; princes, and all judges of the earth: Both young men, and maidens; old men, and children: Let them praise the name of the LORD: for his name alone is excellent; his glory is above the earth and heaven.
He also exalts the horn of his people, the praise of all his saints; even of the children of Israel, a people near unto him. Praise ye the LORD.
~ Psalm 66 ~
Make a joyful noise unto God, all ye lands: Sing forth the honour of his name: make his praise glorious. Say unto God, How terrible art thou in thy works! Through the greatness of thy power shall thine enemies submit themselves unto thee. All the earth shall worship thee, and shall sing unto thee; they shall sing to thy name. Selah.
Come and see the works of God: he is terrible in his doing toward the children of men. He turned the sea into dry land: they went through the flood on foot: there did we rejoice in him. He ruleth by his power for ever; his eyes behold the nations: let not the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah.
O bless our God, ye people, and make the voice of his praise to be heard: Which holdeth our soul in life, and suffereth not our feet to be moved. For thou, O God, hast proved us: thou hast tried us, as silver is tried. Thou broughtest us into the net; thou laidst affliction upon our loins. Thou hast caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but thou broughtest us out into a wealthy place.
I will go into thy house with burnt offerings: I will pay thee my vows, Which my lips have uttered, and my mouth hath spoken, when I was in trouble. I will offer unto thee burnt sacrifices of fatlings, with the incense of rams; I will offer bullocks with goats. Selah.
Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Lately
This post shall be slightly random and does not contain sunshine and rainbows nor any type of answers or encouragement. You have been warned.
Lately God has been trying to hammer into my stubborn head that I don't need to understand everything. I don't need to understand why my five year old brother is dying. I don't need to understand why God isn't healing him. I don't need to understand why my eighteen year old brother has found 'the one' and I haven't (though, I guess that's not important at the moment since I wouldn't be able to pursue anything right now anyway AND God HAS made it clear that I need to get my relationship straight with Him before He will bring me MY future husband....I have a feeling I won't be meeting this man anytime soon). I don't need to know why life is unfair or why bad things happen.
I don't need to know, but boy, would I sure like to.
It's in times like these where I have to wonder if my own failings (and believe me, right now I am all over the place in a crappy way) are hindering God in any way. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that *I* could possibly affect what Christ can and cannot do, but it sure feels like perhaps He isn't reaching down and doing more for my brother because I am so far away from Him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel and I can admit to that insecurity.
Everyone around me keeps saying to lean into God and that I am strong for being able to function through life right now. They say so many nice things and I feel like a fraud. I am NOT strong, people! It's called faking a smile so I don't have to answer a thousand questions and fall apart on you! It's called not knowing what to say because, to be truthful, I don't have the first dang clue what is going on either!
And I am not leaning into God. I know it may look that way, but right now, God and I are barely speaking....or I am not speaking to Him. I am not sure if I am angry at Him or ashamed to come back since I can't seem to stay out of trouble (my own personal demons) for very long. I just end up doing the same sin over and over again and the more I apologize and ask for help, the more fake and hollow I feel. Yeah, perhaps it is just shame.
No...no, I am angry, too. I am angry that my family has to deal with this crap when we've gone through so much already. I am mad at the thought of losing my youngest brother. I don't WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES!!! I don't want to be a sister who's lost a brother for medical reasons. I don't want my family to suffer through that! Why can't the Lord just HEAL my brother?!
So, yeah, I'm not talking to God much these days...and yet, I know He is trying to get my attention. A song will come on the radio. Someone will say something. I'll read a Facebook update. My hands will simply type out what I am feeling and suddenly I have an answer glaring at me on the computer screen, in my own words....or maybe not MY words at all.
I know the Lord wants me to turn back to Him. I know this and part of me wants to, but another part of me is so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of not understanding how to rely on God's strength...or is it that I have to use my own strength and He will pick up the slack? I don't even know anymore and I am too tired to try and puzzle it out. I am tired of nothing going right anymore. If it can go wrong, it will.
Do you know that I feel more like a mother now than I ever have before? That's right, my own mom has been gone more often than she's been home for the last 5 or 6 months. The adoption (something I don't regret, though, it has been difficult) started it and then everything seemed to go downhill from there, almost like my family was being punished for doing what God told us to do. Ironic, I know.
Then it was my brother no longer maintaining his stable status, landing him in the hospital 25o miles away. At this point one of my adopted sisters decided now was the time for HER to tank as well and go to the hospital, too. After that it has been touch and go with the hospital 45 minutes away and the one 4 hours away as both my adopted sister and my youngest brother have refused to be FINE at the same time.
Now it is just my brother, but that's even worse seeing as how the only reason he's in the hospital is because we can't manage his pain at home and no one can just FIX him. No one but God and He doesn't seem to be doing much in that department for reasons I don't understand.
And that's what it comes down to, huh? I don't understand and I guess I really don't need to because God IS in control. I know He is. My faith isn't shaken on that. I am just no longer interested in the destination He has in mind at this point because all I see are gray skies and a heck of a lot of rain. Just let me know when it decides to flood.
Lately God has been trying to hammer into my stubborn head that I don't need to understand everything. I don't need to understand why my five year old brother is dying. I don't need to understand why God isn't healing him. I don't need to understand why my eighteen year old brother has found 'the one' and I haven't (though, I guess that's not important at the moment since I wouldn't be able to pursue anything right now anyway AND God HAS made it clear that I need to get my relationship straight with Him before He will bring me MY future husband....I have a feeling I won't be meeting this man anytime soon). I don't need to know why life is unfair or why bad things happen.
I don't need to know, but boy, would I sure like to.
It's in times like these where I have to wonder if my own failings (and believe me, right now I am all over the place in a crappy way) are hindering God in any way. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that *I* could possibly affect what Christ can and cannot do, but it sure feels like perhaps He isn't reaching down and doing more for my brother because I am so far away from Him. Stupid, I know, but that's how I feel and I can admit to that insecurity.
Everyone around me keeps saying to lean into God and that I am strong for being able to function through life right now. They say so many nice things and I feel like a fraud. I am NOT strong, people! It's called faking a smile so I don't have to answer a thousand questions and fall apart on you! It's called not knowing what to say because, to be truthful, I don't have the first dang clue what is going on either!
And I am not leaning into God. I know it may look that way, but right now, God and I are barely speaking....or I am not speaking to Him. I am not sure if I am angry at Him or ashamed to come back since I can't seem to stay out of trouble (my own personal demons) for very long. I just end up doing the same sin over and over again and the more I apologize and ask for help, the more fake and hollow I feel. Yeah, perhaps it is just shame.
No...no, I am angry, too. I am angry that my family has to deal with this crap when we've gone through so much already. I am mad at the thought of losing my youngest brother. I don't WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES!!! I don't want to be a sister who's lost a brother for medical reasons. I don't want my family to suffer through that! Why can't the Lord just HEAL my brother?!
So, yeah, I'm not talking to God much these days...and yet, I know He is trying to get my attention. A song will come on the radio. Someone will say something. I'll read a Facebook update. My hands will simply type out what I am feeling and suddenly I have an answer glaring at me on the computer screen, in my own words....or maybe not MY words at all.
I know the Lord wants me to turn back to Him. I know this and part of me wants to, but another part of me is so tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of not understanding how to rely on God's strength...or is it that I have to use my own strength and He will pick up the slack? I don't even know anymore and I am too tired to try and puzzle it out. I am tired of nothing going right anymore. If it can go wrong, it will.
Do you know that I feel more like a mother now than I ever have before? That's right, my own mom has been gone more often than she's been home for the last 5 or 6 months. The adoption (something I don't regret, though, it has been difficult) started it and then everything seemed to go downhill from there, almost like my family was being punished for doing what God told us to do. Ironic, I know.
Then it was my brother no longer maintaining his stable status, landing him in the hospital 25o miles away. At this point one of my adopted sisters decided now was the time for HER to tank as well and go to the hospital, too. After that it has been touch and go with the hospital 45 minutes away and the one 4 hours away as both my adopted sister and my youngest brother have refused to be FINE at the same time.
Now it is just my brother, but that's even worse seeing as how the only reason he's in the hospital is because we can't manage his pain at home and no one can just FIX him. No one but God and He doesn't seem to be doing much in that department for reasons I don't understand.
And that's what it comes down to, huh? I don't understand and I guess I really don't need to because God IS in control. I know He is. My faith isn't shaken on that. I am just no longer interested in the destination He has in mind at this point because all I see are gray skies and a heck of a lot of rain. Just let me know when it decides to flood.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Rescued
Temptation and Anger.
Two words I absolutely loathe and yet...I can't seem to stay away from either of them right now. *sigh* I don't want to run into them, but we seem to always meet at the most inopportune moments. I wish they would leave me alone.
I am tempted daily. We all are, but how we respond to that temptation is what separates people. Some people look at temptation, snort and walk away - laughing mockingly at temptation the entire way until they are out of sight or temptation slinks off into the shadows. Others slip a few times, but in the end they walk away, too. Maybe they do so less enthusiastically then the other group of people, but they do walk away.
And then there are people like me who want to walk away, but usually don't and then beat themselves up about it until they can't think of even TRYING to say no and walk away the next time. People like me...well, we tend to backslide, to slip more then usual....at least that is what it feels like. Everyone has their own struggle(s), but sometimes, it just feels like you are alone in the world and alone with your particular problem(s).
That's not true of course, but it's sometimes hard to see the hands that are reaching out to save you from the muck you are in. Sometimes the clouds are really thick and you've got so much dirt in your eyes, on you....that you just can't immediately see the help that is there, that has always been there.
And so you struggle against temptation, kicking yourself in the butt every single time your human strength, piddly as it is, fails you and you slide right back down the slippery slope you shouldn't have gotten near in the first place. And the worst thing is....you know you shouldn't have come here at all! You know what you are doing is wrong, you know and can SEE the escapes Jesus gives you and yet....you continue to do the wrong thing.
That's me. I know some of you might look at me (if we ever met or if you know someone who knows me) and think that I have it all together. I'm confident, smart, nice-looking, I have a good attitude even if my mouth does run away with me sometimes and I am a good Christian girl. This might be what you think see. You have been fooled.
I am not a nice Christian girl. I am not confident in the slightest. I am scared of almost everything when it comes to life. I feel stupid most of the time and I don't like many of the things that make up my body. And underneath the sugar-coated attitude....I am seriously confused about who I am and angry (but we'll get to that later). I am majorly messed up in my own ways, ways that have nothing to do with my family or my parents or being home-schooled or anything like that. No, it is a spiritual problem and it's one I have been fighting for the past year and half now.
I look at myself and see little worth. I look at my life and think, "What the heck am I even doing for God?" From my point of view....God should have dumped me and traded me in for a new model years ago! I would have! This has been the biggest hole in my life, the biggest thing I fall into on a regular basis:
I don't have a deep, meaningful, healthy relationship with God, with my Christ. I've come close in times past. I've also strayed so far I can't even see Jesus anymore. But now...now I am just in a rut where I am not far from Christ, but I am not close either. I can talk to Him just fine, but I still feel distant.
And in the midst of this distance....temptation comes. The temptation to take a different road, to look for comfort and good feelings in the form of something else when what I really want, really crave....is a relationship with my Creator. I just want to talk to my Father! I just want to feel beautiful and important, cared for, loved, appreciated...I want to feel treasured and I have been looking for it in all the wrong places.
This is where anger comes in. See, when you look for comfort, pleasure, happiness, safety or even just companionship in anything but Christ all you do is come up empty and that emptiness hurts. It hurts so much that after only a small bit of build-up, it makes you lash out in anger at anyone around you. Why? Because you are frustrated and you don't understand why you feel the way you do. It is like being ready to hit someone, but not knowing why you want to hit them.
Then there is anger at yourself. See, some of us, like me, know that what we are doing is wrong. God's confirmed it to us, the Bible tells us plain that it is wrong or maybe we just have a gut feeling about it. And yet, we still do what is wrong, we still give into temptation.
Shame comes first, deep wrenching shame and the anger quickly follows. If you didn't suck so much, if you have more will-power. If you would just not do what you know you are not supposed to, then you would feel better! Jeez, you know this doesn't make you feel any better anyway! Why do you do it? These are just some of the thoughts that can run through a person's mind as they do what is wrong or after, when they've already done it. Anger eats you up inside until all you are to those around you is that anger.
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Okay....I actually wrote this draft like three or four weeks ago. I never posted it. I think I didn't post it because at the time, I had no comfort, no *solution* at all to impart. I just needed to vent and since I hate journals (never could keep one) I just needed somewhere to type all of that out.
Now, though, I feel I should post it. Not only post it, though, but also tell you how my personal struggle is going. I said I wanted to put more of my personal experience in this blog and hard as that can be, I still want to do that...
So here it goes.
I have been struggling with this particular sin of mine for years now. For some of those years I didn't think much about what I was doing, in fact, I didn't really think I was doing anything wrong. I had read nothing in the Bible that said point blank that what I was doing was wrong and that little nagging feeling, that tug of shame? Nah, that wasn't really there and if it was...I wasn't interested in analyzing THAT. So I didn't.
It's actually only been in the last two years that I have started to truly notice how this sin was affecting my body, my mind and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. What I had thought as something that simply felt good was turning into something that was completely corrupting my mind, awakening things in my body better left alone and hindering my growing relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I am not going to go into details about this temptation that I've been battling - the details are between me and my Creator - but I will tell you what happened to make me truly able to let it go and truly give it to God.
See, I had tried to fight this for a long time and sometimes I would do good...for about two weeks and then I would stumble again. And I would curse myself. And I would slip deeper into sin because I was cursing myself. I hated myself. I truly hated myself and so I was constantly angry at myself. I saw no way out of this madness. I felt like each time I called on the Lord, He would help me for a day or two and then I was on my own. I had to battle this under my own strength and will to prove that I was worthy in some way.
As I sit here now, writing this...I can't help but want to both cry and smile in pure amusement for the person I was. While I cannot say that I love myself at this point in time, I can say that I don't hate myself anymore. I am slowly, tentatively beginning to like what I see in the mirror - and not just a physical mirror, but a spiritual one, too. That's what happens when you give your will, heart and failings to Christ and say "Here! I'm done!"
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am not one of those Christians who thinks their crap doesn't stink! LOL I mess up every day. I yell at my many siblings, I grumble behind my parent's back and I even find myself getting angry or depressed for very little reason, but looking back...I can see where God is working on me and that is encouraging.
All right, I've gotten a little off-topic - that's what happens when I start writing about myself - so back to the main point of this post....
I only recently figured out about a month ago, right after writing this actually, that while I *was* trying to seek Jesus and gain his help with my problem, I was not truly ready to let it go. Awful as that sounds, especially considering how miserable I was, I wasn't quite ready to simply let my sin go. It was horrible, hurting me, but it was familiar and if there is one thing that I like it is familiarity. I don't like sudden change and just stopping a bad habit, a sin...well, that requires just quitting, cold-turkey in my case. There is no gradual weaning for me. It doesn't work and I know it. God knows it. So...because the Lord is a gentlemen and will not force us to do things against our will...He waited until I was good and ready to actually lay this burden before Him and TRULY walk away, submit to HIS plan for me.
I am ashamed to admit that it took all those years loathing myself, my behavior and struggling without my Creator to the point where I was despairing of anything ever changing for me to finally trust that Jesus' love, grace, forgiveness and HIS strength was what I needed so badly. I finally was ready to simply give up one way or another. God could have me and my corruptness or He could toss me out and let sin have its way with me. I was almost beyond caring enough to struggle anymore. I just wanted to know what the answer was, one way or another. A small part of me KNEW that I was saved, that Christ loved me and wouldn't let me go, but a greater part was just plain terrified that my offering of ME wouldn't be enough.
And then I just let go and I found out...*I* didn't need to rely on my own strength. I have none! This should have been clear long ago! *I* didn't need to prove myself worthy of anything. I am NOT worthy! And yet...Jesus delights in me anyway. He looks at me and He thinks I am worth every drop of blood He shed. He thinks I am worth every agony He endured, every tear, every thorn that pierced His skin, every whip of the lash....every horrible step that led Him to the cross...every nail that went through His body. He loves me and He delights in me as a father delights in a child. He looks down at me and smiles just because I am THERE. Just because I exist. I don't have to prove myself worthy and that's a really cool thing because I CAN'T. And that's fine.
It truly is an incredible feeling and I can't stop grinning and crying as I write this to you. When you truly let it sink into your soul, your heart and not just know it in your head...it changes you. It truly, truly does. How can it not? The lover of your soul doesn't love you for what you can do or who you can become! He loves you because you EXIST! Because He made you. He loves you and smiles over you and blesses you and delights in you and sings over you and laughs with joy because of you simply for the reason that you are YOU. How can that not make you weep for the sheer joy and comfort of knowing that?
*giggles* Again, once again, I digress. *smiles* I can't sincerely apologizing for doing so, but I will go ahead and get somewhat back on track. Please do stick with me...
There came a point about a month ago when I was simply done. I was at the end of my rope and I didn't know where to go. I had come a long way from where I'd been at the beginning of the year (look at posts further down), but this one sin just wouldn't go away. Sure I have others, but this one bothered me the most.
And so I caved. Completely. I caved, gave in to the One who could right me, right the wrong in my life. I went to Jesus with a broken heart......and He gave me comfort. He gave me my mother. He gave me new friends. He gave me a pastor. He gave me His love and forgiveness. And He told me that my broken heart was what He'd wanted all along. He hadn't wanted my empty - even if sincere at the time - promises. He didn't want me to simply stop sinning. He wanted ME and He still does. He wanted me before Him, completely broken and needing HIM.
I know that might sound strange and awkward. I know it might make you recoil slightly as you try to imagine actually being that vulnerable. I know that many of us don't even think we have anything in our lives that would require we do that. I know what some of you might think. I was in the same place. The thought of completely submitting anything that BIG to God...well, it scared me. There are still things in my life that I need to submit to the Lord, but having done it once....I would like to think I am more prepared.
*listens to the quiet laughter in her head and has to smile* Okay...I would like to think that I'm more willing at least...I suppose it will depend on what He asks me to give up next, but I'll climb that wall when I get to it.
God has given me the strength sufficient to each day to battle my temptation. Only enough for each day, though. It is up to me to ask for that strength. It is up to me to use that strength and not discard it. With this strength, though, comes grace, love, compassion and forgiveness. The Lord does not simply give you one tool to complete a job, to be successful, but like a helpful Father who just wants to care for you, He gives you more tools then you think you could possibly need. In the end, though, you realize that God is full of more wisdom then we can understand because in the end, you notice that you HAVE used every tool He's given you.
The Lord does not leave after He's given you these tools, either. No, then He stays by your side, always ready to help when you ask for it. He's always watching you, encouraging, warning and comforting. He's there when you slip - no matter how badly you slip - and he gives you the grace and the forgiveness and the strength to get back up. If you only accept it.
I have gone a month now without giving into the sin that has plagued me for years. It seems like a small accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but to me and to Jesus...it is a great victory. I am tempted still, on odd occasions, when I least expect it, but Jesus is still here and He is still giving me everything I need to combat the evil one.
I finally feel the first tastes of freedom, the freedom only Christ provides, I finally know that I don't have to give into the sin anymore. I don't have to seek comfort in the arms of evil. I have One who is more powerful still and I couldn't love Him any more then I do now.
Ah, scratch that! Yes, I could and I can't wait for Him to show me how!
Two words I absolutely loathe and yet...I can't seem to stay away from either of them right now. *sigh* I don't want to run into them, but we seem to always meet at the most inopportune moments. I wish they would leave me alone.
I am tempted daily. We all are, but how we respond to that temptation is what separates people. Some people look at temptation, snort and walk away - laughing mockingly at temptation the entire way until they are out of sight or temptation slinks off into the shadows. Others slip a few times, but in the end they walk away, too. Maybe they do so less enthusiastically then the other group of people, but they do walk away.
And then there are people like me who want to walk away, but usually don't and then beat themselves up about it until they can't think of even TRYING to say no and walk away the next time. People like me...well, we tend to backslide, to slip more then usual....at least that is what it feels like. Everyone has their own struggle(s), but sometimes, it just feels like you are alone in the world and alone with your particular problem(s).
That's not true of course, but it's sometimes hard to see the hands that are reaching out to save you from the muck you are in. Sometimes the clouds are really thick and you've got so much dirt in your eyes, on you....that you just can't immediately see the help that is there, that has always been there.
And so you struggle against temptation, kicking yourself in the butt every single time your human strength, piddly as it is, fails you and you slide right back down the slippery slope you shouldn't have gotten near in the first place. And the worst thing is....you know you shouldn't have come here at all! You know what you are doing is wrong, you know and can SEE the escapes Jesus gives you and yet....you continue to do the wrong thing.
That's me. I know some of you might look at me (if we ever met or if you know someone who knows me) and think that I have it all together. I'm confident, smart, nice-looking, I have a good attitude even if my mouth does run away with me sometimes and I am a good Christian girl. This might be what you think see. You have been fooled.
I am not a nice Christian girl. I am not confident in the slightest. I am scared of almost everything when it comes to life. I feel stupid most of the time and I don't like many of the things that make up my body. And underneath the sugar-coated attitude....I am seriously confused about who I am and angry (but we'll get to that later). I am majorly messed up in my own ways, ways that have nothing to do with my family or my parents or being home-schooled or anything like that. No, it is a spiritual problem and it's one I have been fighting for the past year and half now.
I look at myself and see little worth. I look at my life and think, "What the heck am I even doing for God?" From my point of view....God should have dumped me and traded me in for a new model years ago! I would have! This has been the biggest hole in my life, the biggest thing I fall into on a regular basis:
I don't have a deep, meaningful, healthy relationship with God, with my Christ. I've come close in times past. I've also strayed so far I can't even see Jesus anymore. But now...now I am just in a rut where I am not far from Christ, but I am not close either. I can talk to Him just fine, but I still feel distant.
And in the midst of this distance....temptation comes. The temptation to take a different road, to look for comfort and good feelings in the form of something else when what I really want, really crave....is a relationship with my Creator. I just want to talk to my Father! I just want to feel beautiful and important, cared for, loved, appreciated...I want to feel treasured and I have been looking for it in all the wrong places.
This is where anger comes in. See, when you look for comfort, pleasure, happiness, safety or even just companionship in anything but Christ all you do is come up empty and that emptiness hurts. It hurts so much that after only a small bit of build-up, it makes you lash out in anger at anyone around you. Why? Because you are frustrated and you don't understand why you feel the way you do. It is like being ready to hit someone, but not knowing why you want to hit them.
Then there is anger at yourself. See, some of us, like me, know that what we are doing is wrong. God's confirmed it to us, the Bible tells us plain that it is wrong or maybe we just have a gut feeling about it. And yet, we still do what is wrong, we still give into temptation.
Shame comes first, deep wrenching shame and the anger quickly follows. If you didn't suck so much, if you have more will-power. If you would just not do what you know you are not supposed to, then you would feel better! Jeez, you know this doesn't make you feel any better anyway! Why do you do it? These are just some of the thoughts that can run through a person's mind as they do what is wrong or after, when they've already done it. Anger eats you up inside until all you are to those around you is that anger.
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Okay....I actually wrote this draft like three or four weeks ago. I never posted it. I think I didn't post it because at the time, I had no comfort, no *solution* at all to impart. I just needed to vent and since I hate journals (never could keep one) I just needed somewhere to type all of that out.
Now, though, I feel I should post it. Not only post it, though, but also tell you how my personal struggle is going. I said I wanted to put more of my personal experience in this blog and hard as that can be, I still want to do that...
So here it goes.
I have been struggling with this particular sin of mine for years now. For some of those years I didn't think much about what I was doing, in fact, I didn't really think I was doing anything wrong. I had read nothing in the Bible that said point blank that what I was doing was wrong and that little nagging feeling, that tug of shame? Nah, that wasn't really there and if it was...I wasn't interested in analyzing THAT. So I didn't.
It's actually only been in the last two years that I have started to truly notice how this sin was affecting my body, my mind and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. What I had thought as something that simply felt good was turning into something that was completely corrupting my mind, awakening things in my body better left alone and hindering my growing relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I am not going to go into details about this temptation that I've been battling - the details are between me and my Creator - but I will tell you what happened to make me truly able to let it go and truly give it to God.
See, I had tried to fight this for a long time and sometimes I would do good...for about two weeks and then I would stumble again. And I would curse myself. And I would slip deeper into sin because I was cursing myself. I hated myself. I truly hated myself and so I was constantly angry at myself. I saw no way out of this madness. I felt like each time I called on the Lord, He would help me for a day or two and then I was on my own. I had to battle this under my own strength and will to prove that I was worthy in some way.
As I sit here now, writing this...I can't help but want to both cry and smile in pure amusement for the person I was. While I cannot say that I love myself at this point in time, I can say that I don't hate myself anymore. I am slowly, tentatively beginning to like what I see in the mirror - and not just a physical mirror, but a spiritual one, too. That's what happens when you give your will, heart and failings to Christ and say "Here! I'm done!"
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am not one of those Christians who thinks their crap doesn't stink! LOL I mess up every day. I yell at my many siblings, I grumble behind my parent's back and I even find myself getting angry or depressed for very little reason, but looking back...I can see where God is working on me and that is encouraging.
All right, I've gotten a little off-topic - that's what happens when I start writing about myself - so back to the main point of this post....
I only recently figured out about a month ago, right after writing this actually, that while I *was* trying to seek Jesus and gain his help with my problem, I was not truly ready to let it go. Awful as that sounds, especially considering how miserable I was, I wasn't quite ready to simply let my sin go. It was horrible, hurting me, but it was familiar and if there is one thing that I like it is familiarity. I don't like sudden change and just stopping a bad habit, a sin...well, that requires just quitting, cold-turkey in my case. There is no gradual weaning for me. It doesn't work and I know it. God knows it. So...because the Lord is a gentlemen and will not force us to do things against our will...He waited until I was good and ready to actually lay this burden before Him and TRULY walk away, submit to HIS plan for me.
I am ashamed to admit that it took all those years loathing myself, my behavior and struggling without my Creator to the point where I was despairing of anything ever changing for me to finally trust that Jesus' love, grace, forgiveness and HIS strength was what I needed so badly. I finally was ready to simply give up one way or another. God could have me and my corruptness or He could toss me out and let sin have its way with me. I was almost beyond caring enough to struggle anymore. I just wanted to know what the answer was, one way or another. A small part of me KNEW that I was saved, that Christ loved me and wouldn't let me go, but a greater part was just plain terrified that my offering of ME wouldn't be enough.
And then I just let go and I found out...*I* didn't need to rely on my own strength. I have none! This should have been clear long ago! *I* didn't need to prove myself worthy of anything. I am NOT worthy! And yet...Jesus delights in me anyway. He looks at me and He thinks I am worth every drop of blood He shed. He thinks I am worth every agony He endured, every tear, every thorn that pierced His skin, every whip of the lash....every horrible step that led Him to the cross...every nail that went through His body. He loves me and He delights in me as a father delights in a child. He looks down at me and smiles just because I am THERE. Just because I exist. I don't have to prove myself worthy and that's a really cool thing because I CAN'T. And that's fine.
It truly is an incredible feeling and I can't stop grinning and crying as I write this to you. When you truly let it sink into your soul, your heart and not just know it in your head...it changes you. It truly, truly does. How can it not? The lover of your soul doesn't love you for what you can do or who you can become! He loves you because you EXIST! Because He made you. He loves you and smiles over you and blesses you and delights in you and sings over you and laughs with joy because of you simply for the reason that you are YOU. How can that not make you weep for the sheer joy and comfort of knowing that?
*giggles* Again, once again, I digress. *smiles* I can't sincerely apologizing for doing so, but I will go ahead and get somewhat back on track. Please do stick with me...
There came a point about a month ago when I was simply done. I was at the end of my rope and I didn't know where to go. I had come a long way from where I'd been at the beginning of the year (look at posts further down), but this one sin just wouldn't go away. Sure I have others, but this one bothered me the most.
And so I caved. Completely. I caved, gave in to the One who could right me, right the wrong in my life. I went to Jesus with a broken heart......and He gave me comfort. He gave me my mother. He gave me new friends. He gave me a pastor. He gave me His love and forgiveness. And He told me that my broken heart was what He'd wanted all along. He hadn't wanted my empty - even if sincere at the time - promises. He didn't want me to simply stop sinning. He wanted ME and He still does. He wanted me before Him, completely broken and needing HIM.
I know that might sound strange and awkward. I know it might make you recoil slightly as you try to imagine actually being that vulnerable. I know that many of us don't even think we have anything in our lives that would require we do that. I know what some of you might think. I was in the same place. The thought of completely submitting anything that BIG to God...well, it scared me. There are still things in my life that I need to submit to the Lord, but having done it once....I would like to think I am more prepared.
*listens to the quiet laughter in her head and has to smile* Okay...I would like to think that I'm more willing at least...I suppose it will depend on what He asks me to give up next, but I'll climb that wall when I get to it.
God has given me the strength sufficient to each day to battle my temptation. Only enough for each day, though. It is up to me to ask for that strength. It is up to me to use that strength and not discard it. With this strength, though, comes grace, love, compassion and forgiveness. The Lord does not simply give you one tool to complete a job, to be successful, but like a helpful Father who just wants to care for you, He gives you more tools then you think you could possibly need. In the end, though, you realize that God is full of more wisdom then we can understand because in the end, you notice that you HAVE used every tool He's given you.
The Lord does not leave after He's given you these tools, either. No, then He stays by your side, always ready to help when you ask for it. He's always watching you, encouraging, warning and comforting. He's there when you slip - no matter how badly you slip - and he gives you the grace and the forgiveness and the strength to get back up. If you only accept it.
I have gone a month now without giving into the sin that has plagued me for years. It seems like a small accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but to me and to Jesus...it is a great victory. I am tempted still, on odd occasions, when I least expect it, but Jesus is still here and He is still giving me everything I need to combat the evil one.
I finally feel the first tastes of freedom, the freedom only Christ provides, I finally know that I don't have to give into the sin anymore. I don't have to seek comfort in the arms of evil. I have One who is more powerful still and I couldn't love Him any more then I do now.
Ah, scratch that! Yes, I could and I can't wait for Him to show me how!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A Child
You know what I have found in the last few months (sorry for not being here)? It's that one has to be like a child to come through the trials of the world happier and more trusting then when one went into those troubled waters. Only if we have the spirit and attitude of a child can we hope to gain anything through the problems satan throws our way.
Now I am not saying that a person should behave childishly or that they should not be aware of the things that go on around them. They should not be ignorant. I am saying that a person should trust and look at the world through the eyes of a child, though.
Think about it. When a child is in trouble, who do they look to? Their parents, their mommy and daddy. They look to some adult figure, someone that they know they can rely on. They look to someone bigger and with more wisdom then they. Why? Because they know, with their trusting little minds, that the bigger person will help them, know what to do.
Trust. Faith. Child. Those three words go together so well, don't they? A child trusts so easily (even about bad things and lies). They have such innocent faith that everything will be all right in the end. Why? Because someone will make it so.
How alike this situation is to how God wants us to rely on Him! Jesus said you had to become like a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Doesn't it strike you as sad that we have the simple, but powerful faith and trust Jesus wants from us when we are children and it is only as we get older that we lose this innocence?
I know some people find this VERY difficult to do and you know what I have found? Those are the individuals who have been burned over and over and over again by people that should have been there for them to lean on and trust. I have found that people with a scarred childhood (the ones that could never trust their parents, didn't have any parents or adult-figure they trusted and could look up to) are the ones who find it difficult to believe that Christ could care about THEM, could want to catch THEM if THEY fell and would want to provide for THEM. They believe Jesus can provide. They just don't always trust that He will.
Now I am not saying that a person should behave childishly or that they should not be aware of the things that go on around them. They should not be ignorant. I am saying that a person should trust and look at the world through the eyes of a child, though.
Think about it. When a child is in trouble, who do they look to? Their parents, their mommy and daddy. They look to some adult figure, someone that they know they can rely on. They look to someone bigger and with more wisdom then they. Why? Because they know, with their trusting little minds, that the bigger person will help them, know what to do.
When you throw a child up in the air in play what do they do? They squeal and laugh and smile and spread their arms. Do they fear falling? Landing on the ground and breaking a bone? No! They are secure in the knowledge - instinctive knowledge, instinctive trust - that their daddy/mommy/big person will catch them!
Have you ever noticed that children don't really worry? They don't worry about where their food will come from. They don't worry about how mom and dad will pay the bills so they can live in their house. They don't worry about how they will get presents on their birthdays and Christmas. They don't worry about things like that. They just have a simple faith and trust that the big people around them will take care of it all.
One must become like a child to trust God completely, to KNOW that they can rely on their Creator. That Christ will NEVER drop them or let them fall.
But even people who have been hurt can become like children again. It takes great will, patience with yourself and self-awareness of the things you think about and do, but it IS possible. It is difficult to choose to trust when the world, satan and your own mind tells you to do it yourself, to rely on your own strength, but it is possible to say 'no', to choose to trust in your Creator, in your Father. It's not easy to fall and have faith that someone will catch you, especially if you've been let down before, but one of the many things we should remember is that God is not man. He doesn't have any of the failings or sins of man. He never goes back on His word and He never lets His people down.
Choose to trust the Lord your God. Choose to ignore the doubts and fears that you aren't good enough, that God couldn't possibly have been directing his promises at YOU. Satan will tell you you're worthless, that you don't deserve to be loved and cared for, that you don't deserve the assurance of God's presence and promises. The devil will even get people who agree with him to bring you down.
DON'T LISTEN!!! You are a treasure, a precious work of art, a jewel beyond worth to Christ. He died for you, suffered for you because He LOVES you and He wanted you for Himself. He wants to never be parted from you. You mean that much to Him. If your Lord would die for you - and not just die, but die in such a painful way - will He not keep his many promises to you? Will He not want to care for the treasure, the jewel He gave His life to save?
God does not 'drop people' or 'forget His promises'. He never lies and He is ALWAYS there to catch us when we fall or stumble. He's there to hold our hands and guide our steps if we will but let Him, trust Him. If we only become like a small child, trusting and following our Daddy's strong voice and hands, following in HIS steps.
Choose to trust the Lord your God. Choose to ignore the doubts and fears that you aren't good enough, that God couldn't possibly have been directing his promises at YOU. Satan will tell you you're worthless, that you don't deserve to be loved and cared for, that you don't deserve the assurance of God's presence and promises. The devil will even get people who agree with him to bring you down.
DON'T LISTEN!!! You are a treasure, a precious work of art, a jewel beyond worth to Christ. He died for you, suffered for you because He LOVES you and He wanted you for Himself. He wants to never be parted from you. You mean that much to Him. If your Lord would die for you - and not just die, but die in such a painful way - will He not keep his many promises to you? Will He not want to care for the treasure, the jewel He gave His life to save?
God does not 'drop people' or 'forget His promises'. He never lies and He is ALWAYS there to catch us when we fall or stumble. He's there to hold our hands and guide our steps if we will but let Him, trust Him. If we only become like a small child, trusting and following our Daddy's strong voice and hands, following in HIS steps.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Guidance and Jesus FIRST
2 Timothy 2:22-26 ~ Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that that they may know the the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.
This is the meaning to this verse. The first half "Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." simply translates as this:
Flee youthful lusts. Flee temptations. Flee things that are not of God. If this mean physically fleeing then do it, but do not be captured by temptation and lusts.
Pursue righteousness, faith and love. These things are pleasing to the Lord. Pursue peace with people who call upon and follow the Lord out of the pureness of their hearts. Befriend people who want to follow Christ, who long for Him. They will help you want the same.
Avoid foolish and ignorant arguments. They are not worth your time and they lead to fights and hurt feelings. Do not disagree and argue with someone simply because you can if you know the debate is not going to get either of you anywhere.
Now the second part "And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that that they may know the the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will." means this:
Someone who follows God, a servant of the Lord, must not fight with others, but be gentle to all. This does not necessarily mean something physical, but more of something spiritual and of the mouth. Do not be harsh with those who are wrong, but be gentle with them, showing the love of Christ.
Be able to teach others by knowing what you are teaching. Be patient. Everyone's walk is different and even if someone is trying to follow Jesus, if they are wrong that does not mean that they will immediately respond encouragingly to correction. If you know someone is wrong, correct them in humility, not lording it over them or lecturing them because you know you are right.
God is willing and able to accept His childrens' repentance and part of our jobs as followers of Christ is to help correct and guide one another toward the Lord. We are to help keep one another from falling into Satan's snares. We are to help keep one another from following the will of the devil.
Do not be afraid to correct your friends. Do not be afraid or ashamed to question their choices in life if those choice are not pleasing to the Lord. Try to help them come to their senses, but if they refuse then flee from them. Whether that is physical or just mentally, flee the temptation to do wrong that they are presenting into your own life. Running away from sin is not being cowardly, it is being wise and protecting yourself. And don't just run away anywhere, run to Jesus! He will keep you safe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 119:73 ~ Your hands have made me and fashioned me;
Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.
Psalm 119:88 ~ Revive me according to Your loving-kindness,
So that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth.
Psalm 119:97-104 ~
Oh, how I love Your law!
It is my meditation all the day.
You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies;
For they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers,
For Your testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients,
Because I keep Your precepts.
I have restrained my feet from every evil way,
That I may keep Your word.
I have not departed from Your judgments,
For You Yourself have taught me.
How sweet are Your words to my taste,
Sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through Your precepts I get understanding;
Therefore I hate every false way.
Psalm 119:115 ~ Depart from me, you evildoers,
For I will keep the commandments of my God!
Psalm 119:124, 125 ~ Deal with Your servant according to Your mercy,
And teach me Your statutes.
I am You servant;
Give me understanding,
That I may know Your testimonies.
---------------------------------------
Matthew 4:18-20 ~ As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.
Matthew 16:24-26 ~ Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
Both of these verses are telling us the same things. In Matthew 4:18-20 Jesus asked Peter and Andrew to follow Him and they immediately DROPPED their nets and followed Christ.
This can be taken literally, of course, because it did happen literally, but we can also look at the message given to us in this example. What did Jesus ask of these two men? That they follow Him. What did the men do? They dropped their nets and followed at once. They dropped the nets, the things weighing them down to where they were (much like dropping sin - the net that weighs us down) and followed Christ when He called. They didn't ask for just a few minutes. They didn't say "Hey, let us catch some fish and then we will follow you." No, they left their nets AT ONCE and followed Christ.
In Matthew 16:24-26 Christ is explaining what following Him will require. He says that that if anyone wants to follow Him they must deny themselves. This means that they must give up the things that their flesh craves which is sin. The person who would follow Jesus must take up his cross - must accept trials and persecution, they must carry the knowledge that the world will hate them and mock them - and follow Jesus wholeheartedly, giving up the sins and evil pleasures of the world.
Christ says that whoever wants to save his life - keep his things, his way of doing things, his sin - then he will lose everything and the person who would lose his life - give up his things, sins and follow God's way - will gain his life and so much more.
Jesus asks us what we will gain if we have the world? If we have riches and pleasures? What will it gain us in the end? Do we not die? Does our stuff follow us to the grave? Can we use it?
No. We cannot use any of the riches we store up here on earth. If we spend our whole lives trying to gain the world, we will have lost everything in the end and we will never find peace while we live.
Would we give up our Soul for riches and sin? Would we give up the one thing that will follow us forever, even onto death, for the temporary pleasures of the world while we live? Our Soul is indestructible, whether we choose Jesus or Satan, our Soul does not die. Our Soul is the greatest treasure we could ever have and we need to take care of it, to guard it and gather as many riches as it will hold.
The way to gather riches for your Soul is to follow Jesus! It is to live your life for Him, to put Him first and always put Him first. It is to repent when you stray and sin, and then continue to seek Christ diligently.
Die in yourself, starve your mind and spirit and body of evil, sin and be reborn in Jesus Christ. Die in your old self so that you may LIVE in your Lord and Savior! Surrender your life to Him, not halfway, but all the way and you will see that the wonders He has in store for you.....the riches of the world will never measure up to.
-----------------
Hebrews 12:1, 2 ~ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
This is the meaning to this verse. The first half "Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife." simply translates as this:
Flee youthful lusts. Flee temptations. Flee things that are not of God. If this mean physically fleeing then do it, but do not be captured by temptation and lusts.
Pursue righteousness, faith and love. These things are pleasing to the Lord. Pursue peace with people who call upon and follow the Lord out of the pureness of their hearts. Befriend people who want to follow Christ, who long for Him. They will help you want the same.
Avoid foolish and ignorant arguments. They are not worth your time and they lead to fights and hurt feelings. Do not disagree and argue with someone simply because you can if you know the debate is not going to get either of you anywhere.
Now the second part "And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that that they may know the the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will." means this:
Someone who follows God, a servant of the Lord, must not fight with others, but be gentle to all. This does not necessarily mean something physical, but more of something spiritual and of the mouth. Do not be harsh with those who are wrong, but be gentle with them, showing the love of Christ.
Be able to teach others by knowing what you are teaching. Be patient. Everyone's walk is different and even if someone is trying to follow Jesus, if they are wrong that does not mean that they will immediately respond encouragingly to correction. If you know someone is wrong, correct them in humility, not lording it over them or lecturing them because you know you are right.
God is willing and able to accept His childrens' repentance and part of our jobs as followers of Christ is to help correct and guide one another toward the Lord. We are to help keep one another from falling into Satan's snares. We are to help keep one another from following the will of the devil.
Do not be afraid to correct your friends. Do not be afraid or ashamed to question their choices in life if those choice are not pleasing to the Lord. Try to help them come to their senses, but if they refuse then flee from them. Whether that is physical or just mentally, flee the temptation to do wrong that they are presenting into your own life. Running away from sin is not being cowardly, it is being wise and protecting yourself. And don't just run away anywhere, run to Jesus! He will keep you safe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 119:73 ~ Your hands have made me and fashioned me;
Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.
Psalm 119:88 ~ Revive me according to Your loving-kindness,
So that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth.
Psalm 119:97-104 ~
Oh, how I love Your law!
It is my meditation all the day.
You, through Your commandments, make me wiser than my enemies;
For they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers,
For Your testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients,
Because I keep Your precepts.
I have restrained my feet from every evil way,
That I may keep Your word.
I have not departed from Your judgments,
For You Yourself have taught me.
How sweet are Your words to my taste,
Sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through Your precepts I get understanding;
Therefore I hate every false way.
Psalm 119:115 ~ Depart from me, you evildoers,
For I will keep the commandments of my God!
Psalm 119:124, 125 ~ Deal with Your servant according to Your mercy,
And teach me Your statutes.
I am You servant;
Give me understanding,
That I may know Your testimonies.
---------------------------------------
Matthew 4:18-20 ~ As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.
Matthew 16:24-26 ~ Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
Both of these verses are telling us the same things. In Matthew 4:18-20 Jesus asked Peter and Andrew to follow Him and they immediately DROPPED their nets and followed Christ.
This can be taken literally, of course, because it did happen literally, but we can also look at the message given to us in this example. What did Jesus ask of these two men? That they follow Him. What did the men do? They dropped their nets and followed at once. They dropped the nets, the things weighing them down to where they were (much like dropping sin - the net that weighs us down) and followed Christ when He called. They didn't ask for just a few minutes. They didn't say "Hey, let us catch some fish and then we will follow you." No, they left their nets AT ONCE and followed Christ.
In Matthew 16:24-26 Christ is explaining what following Him will require. He says that that if anyone wants to follow Him they must deny themselves. This means that they must give up the things that their flesh craves which is sin. The person who would follow Jesus must take up his cross - must accept trials and persecution, they must carry the knowledge that the world will hate them and mock them - and follow Jesus wholeheartedly, giving up the sins and evil pleasures of the world.
Christ says that whoever wants to save his life - keep his things, his way of doing things, his sin - then he will lose everything and the person who would lose his life - give up his things, sins and follow God's way - will gain his life and so much more.
Jesus asks us what we will gain if we have the world? If we have riches and pleasures? What will it gain us in the end? Do we not die? Does our stuff follow us to the grave? Can we use it?
No. We cannot use any of the riches we store up here on earth. If we spend our whole lives trying to gain the world, we will have lost everything in the end and we will never find peace while we live.
Would we give up our Soul for riches and sin? Would we give up the one thing that will follow us forever, even onto death, for the temporary pleasures of the world while we live? Our Soul is indestructible, whether we choose Jesus or Satan, our Soul does not die. Our Soul is the greatest treasure we could ever have and we need to take care of it, to guard it and gather as many riches as it will hold.
The way to gather riches for your Soul is to follow Jesus! It is to live your life for Him, to put Him first and always put Him first. It is to repent when you stray and sin, and then continue to seek Christ diligently.
Die in yourself, starve your mind and spirit and body of evil, sin and be reborn in Jesus Christ. Die in your old self so that you may LIVE in your Lord and Savior! Surrender your life to Him, not halfway, but all the way and you will see that the wonders He has in store for you.....the riches of the world will never measure up to.
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Hebrews 12:1, 2 ~ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
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